I lived two lives, regarding my sexuality.

Before getting married, I was with a guy, older than me, who from the very start made me realize, that our thing will be nothing more than sex. I became obsessed with him, since, in my mind, he was unreachable for me. He was older, very, very successful, well dressed, rich, and I felt good knowing he was spending his nights with me, out of all women out there. I was never a pretty girl, but back then, I was slim, with big breasts.

Before him, I didn't know that sex can be so amazing, that I could enjoy things I never thought to dare doing, and in the end, he was the one who introduced me to ML.

And then, nature called. I broke it off, and started dating this groom to be, and got married, all within a year. That was my second life, boring, but gentle, not exciting, but pleasing enough. Soon enough, I got fat, after my second pregnancy. He became less and less interested in me, so I came back here, looking for some kind of excitement, but you know how this place is, one things gives you a spark of interest, only for the next one to shut it down completely.

So I reached out to my former lover, and he gladly called me over, but when he saw me in the doorway, I could see he was disappointed. Had a few drinks, and he flat out told me, he can't go on with me, and that he might be shallow, but that is him, and that he is sorry. I was so desperate, to feel desired, and wanted by him, that I got on my knees, and started unbuttoning his pants. He said no, but I was resolved to do it, so he eventually let me.

It was horrible. He treated me badly, to the point, that it ended up with me, giving him a rim job, while he was bent over.

When I was leaving, he made sure to inform me, that we won't be seeing each other again.

I cried all the way back home, but I am glad this happened, since it opened my eyes. I started going to the gym, got on a diet, and now, three months later, I lost 20 pounds and feel myself again.

My husband is helping me with this, and the old spark is back.

Only thing is, that I still feel terrible for what had happened, but I guess some of us just have to learn the hard way, in order to go forward, and grow.

So what does one do when stereo typical terms do not match me? (no smart ass answers, it will just show you can not read nor take anything to heart from anyone who asks.. think about that please).

This pic makes me wish there was someone who truly wanted to be mine.
It makes my heart pound and crave many things.
I am not submissive and will not dominate.
I want who ever to talk and truly tell me things and I can tell them.
I would love for someone to want me to guide both of us but I want them to truly share in what we do.
I want them to have a real interest in finding new ideas with me and be open to all to learn about but we find what we want to share and how and what we do not want.
If someone in general has been watching us in what we look at for ideas and what drives our dreams AND what we do and how...., The words could only be the following in general to describe what they feel looking at it all...
Warm, Loving, Kind, Giving, Thoughtful, Fun, Hot, Kinky, Caring, Protective, Sweet, Funny, Real Love and so on.

Terms are used to place a box for someone to fit in...
A box can not define all I am and what I am not. That should be good :)

What I crave to give and someone to crave to give to me?

I like to take time and even edge for pleasure and NOT to use against someone.

slow 69 and for sure share in a kiss or swallow :)
Touch and play with each other to relax and bond.
Rub balls and any area to the point of pleasure and NOT harm or use in CBT or those ways.
Lightly pinch and rub nipples and breasts.
Lick,kiss and such nipples.
(can say same for cock or real clit and not what some call a dick).
Rub areas of body softly.
Edge each other.
Hug each other with nothing on and might just close eyes and just feel safe and loved.
Kiss and not just the lips :)
Both will at any time want to just give oral, lick and play with the others clit or cock and by default we want to do something for the other but can ask they watch and just enjoy too. Same for many things:)
Play in the bath or shower together.
Let me know they crave getting anal be cleaning their self well.

Let me know they crave we share anal be already being clean and wanting me to go to a nice place we make at home where they sexualy and with love and care touch, clean me out, play with ass, out side the anus and inside. If they want as they play, I want to play with theirs also :)
If they want they can rim me but I do not need that. If they do, I truly think of doing that also but so afraid and am not sure if I can.
Being so clean might mean we need time and play to cause our anus to make the mucus as we get turned on and want anal even more. This part if done right I like the feel and hope they would too:)
Before any anal, I truly would love any oral given and want to give it too:)
We talk about how we want to share anal. Do we want the other to slide in the others wet hole and just go till we cum then swap?, Give to the other for their pleasure then swap? Both edge how ever we want?
Want the other to ride at any speed or how ever hard but not more than the other likes.
Want the other to sit in our lap in them and they contract their anus and do what ever feels great to them even if it is to jerk to edge and enjoy the feeling over and over or jerk to near cum and then ride hands free to cum and then play to get hard and do again?
Ride dick till near cum and stop, then when they are ready ride some more and see how long that can go?

Every way one can think but both talking and together doing any of it all together any way it can be done.

I can not be called a sissy or alpha as I do not act or do as others show those terms to be.

I want toys to be included in ideas.

Size of the person is not what I need.. It is the want as I have to share pleasure and find ways to make that even better even with toys.

I can cum from my fingertips just penetrating over and over just in the lips (for lack of better terms) of my anus just as hard as when I use a toy over 6in around.

It is the persons need, want and craving for ME and to give me pleasure I want more than anything.
But I am the same so I must have someone like me who loves to give for the others pleasure but also wants to get pleasure being given just because they need,feel,crave,want,love to as I would.

Any race or gender that matches the respect and deep care for me that I have for them is fine with me. I am more open to beings and their hearts than the outside of their body.

As one small example..
If they are just 2in fully deep but foreplay makes me cum hands free when they give anal then I will crave them making me cum hands free first and want them balls deep and they cum from my anus being warm and tight around them as they do not pull back and slip out but as they work against my clamped tight anus they can push deep into and cum like crazy as I watch them :)

If they want to fill me up, then use a nice thick toy (I am not into long and pain so I never myself used a long toy.) that is 5 to over 6.5 inches around... I have used them and it has not made me where I can not choose to grip tight :)

If they want toys then great!
Nothing like each having a vibe near the P spot controlled by the other as we do 69 :)
I kind of like the idea :)

well...

One day I hope someone like me finds me :)
I wish in general the world had terms and places for many like me....
Not into hate or shame but shared love deeply with a true soul connection :)

I confess that I told my girlfriend I love her way too soon. Almost ended the relationship. Then, through careful word-smithing, I was able to smooth it over and after eating her out, rimming her (her first), and blowing her, things seem to be back to normal. advice for the future: always let the girl say it first.

admittedly, I think I was jest extremely horny (didn't masturbate for a week) and confused lust with love. oh well. live and learn, eh?