I confess that last night I was picked up by a beautiful woman. It's true, but it's actually a funny story.
It started when I was at the bar down the street, minding my own beeswax. I'm just sitting there, and a this hot chick saddles up to to the bar. This chick looked way above my league, but to my surprise, she wanted me. She was also already hammered. (Maybe I look better through beer goggles)
The bartender tried telling her that she was too drunk for me. (What the hell, man? Cockblockula!)
So Miss Hottie took a twenty dollar bill out of her pants and slapped it on the bar. She grabbed me by my neck with her other hand and took me away. (The fuck, am I a whore now?)
Hottie took me outside and into the alley. (This looks promising.) Hottie mumbled something about me being Russian. (Hey, if she's into that, I've got no problems being Russian, comrad. I will straight up murder Moose and Squirrel if that is what it takes.)
Hottie started sucking me right there in the alley. (Feelsgoodman.webm)
She was going to town me. She halfway sucked me dry. (Reference: golf ball through a garden hose)
Out of nowhere, this lady cop appeared and interrupted us. (Cockblockula II: The Revenge of Cockblockula)
The lady cop said, "You can't do that here."
My hottie argued with the cop, "We ain't on the sidewalk. I paid good money for this." (You really didn't need to tell the police that part, Sweetheart.)
The lady cop wasn't taking any shit. She grabbed me and yanked me out of hottie's grip. Then the cop went all Baltimore on me. Before I realized what was happening, she spun me around by my neck and threw me against a dumpster.
I shattered and spilled all over the alley floor. (Fuck, I'm a vodka bottle.)
