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OP here.

Yeah, totally gay. I did pretty much exactly what I said I was going to do, started with the smaller dildo with a plug end, but it's too flexible and only 1/2" thick, so it gets things ready but doesn't really provide a challenge or a "WOW!" moment. I moved to the 1" vibrator and rode that for a while, then got some texts from a girl I've gone out with a few times. It felt weird fucking myself while flirting with her over text, so I threw in the "big" plug and decided to just concentrate on talking to her.

She called me a few minutes later, and we spent an hour talking on the phone while I was plugged. Once I hung up, I extracted it and was well stretched to play some more.

I was really ready to take the rubber cock at that point, so I spent the next half hour grinding on it against the wall, taking it reverse cowgirl, then mounting it and riding it, rubbing my clit against a pillow as I came.

And as I rode to climax, I moaned the name of the guy that was fucking my ex-wife, which eventually led to our divorce.

I don't know how many times I moaned "I love the way you fuck us, Brian", "I love your cock, Brian", and pretended she was in the room watching him fuck me and saying "Oh, thank you, baby. I see why you've been fucking him."

When I blew my load, I fucking BLEW MY LOAD. I moaned his name as I came and said "I love you, Brian" one last time.

Cuckold, crossdresser, bi-sexual, and complete whore.

I honestly love the girl I've become.

OP again:

I was raw this morning, both my ass and my eyes (had to take off the makeup to go to work), so I told myself I wouldn't do anything tonight.

But, I ordered some new bras late last week, and they arrived today and I got immediately hard when I tried them on.

I told myself I could just jerk off wearing any one of them, but they were so pretty I had to dress up again. So I figured I would jerk it, come, and strip down, but the look was really incomplete.

So I broke out the eyeshadow, the eyeliner and the small plug again. Suddenly, the two ends of my body that were supposed to be treated kindly were lined up to be harrassed again.

I couldn't take the big dildo tonight, and I just tried jerking off while dressed, but I couldn't hold an erection. So I got the veined vibrator and tickled my sphincter while trying again and before I knew it, I was slipping the head in and finally got hard.

I decided to hell with it, and pushed through and took more of the cock in my ass and my dick immediately got hard. I went from nothing/nothing to anally filled/rock hard, and was able to jerk off again. I blew an orgasm all over the mirror in my room, then slumped back on the bed and pressed my ice cold beer bottle against my bruised asshole.

I used to freak out and tear away every piece of female clothing or makeup after I came, but tonight I made sure I stayed made up as I cleaned up. It's a thing now where I'm forcing myself to accept that this isn't just a fetish and that I love being a girl and trying to bear through the 10 minutes of disgust to carry on being my other half.

And I did that successfully. I put on a clean pair of panties, some black leggings, and my muk-liks and went about the rest of my chores for the night. It's wonderful being fucked like a woman, but similarly, it's nice being curled up in girly clothes.

I gotta secret for you OP.
You are NOT...a straight guy.

Well, technically, I AM straight. I haven't been with a guy yet. But would I? Obviously.

im sort of in the same boat

Some definitions - men turned on by dressing in women's clothing are transvestites, not gay. Men turned on by the idea of sex with men are gay. Men turned on by sex with men and women are bi. From the OP,s comments, I suspect that he is both transvestite and, because of his desire for anal penetration, either bi or gay.

Hey, logic! ^^^

OP here. Yeah, I'm not gay in the purest sense of the word. Since I've only with women up to this point, I'd definitely classify myself as bi-curious. And it's not that I'm no longer interested in women. I most certainly am. But I'm also attracted to men (or more specifically, sex with men - I can't see myself dating or falling in love with a guy).

As far as the dressing, I'm either a transvestite or a crossdresser. There's a gray line between the two, depending on who you ask. I enjoy wearing women's clothes, but most times I'm dressed as a man on the outside.

The fact that I'm usually wearing panties underneath my work clothes is irrelevant here. And honestly, they're MUCH more comfortable than all my men's underwear. Silk and lace feel MUCH nicer against my junk than cotton boxers. My advice - find a girlfriend with an open mind. You and she may wind up having LOTS of fun.

When you fantasize about being fucked like a girl it's called autogynophilia. AGP is a transgender issue like crossdressing, as suppose to being transsexual where you have an overpowering need to be a different gender.

Sounds very kinky, i like it. i'm straight, but guys pretending to be girls and showing a feminine side is a huge turn on for me, might be some kind of alpha thinking.