The most aroused I’ve ever been was last year in South Africa for work. On my last night colleague drove me through a red light district. We passed all these street walkers. I got such a hard on. You could almost smell the STDs off them. I still masturbate thinking of them. I regret so much that it was my last night. I’m going back in September. 

This past weekend my wife and I were out of town for the weekend to attend a wedding. I thought, finally, some time alone without the kids so maybe we can reinvigorate our sex life which has been nonexistent since our daughter was born over a year ago. I can honestly say that in that time we have maybe had sex 3 times and she gave me a bj on my birthday, probably because she was drunk. I don't know her issue. She says she still loves me, but she just doesn't feel sexual anymore and is always so tired because of the kids.

So Friday night after meeting up with other friends in for the wedding, we were drinking till midnight and she was being quite lovey with me giving me little kisses and then said she wanted to go back to the room...I'm thinking I'm golden. We got in bed, I tried to kiss on her and start rubbing her pussy and right away she started with the "I'm so tired after the long day and travelling" crap. I said "Come on, we don't have the kids, I'm already hard as a rock, let's just have some fun," She still protested and said she needed to go to sleep. So after 10 minutes and already hearing her snoring, I was still rock hard so I said fuck it, I pulled back my side of the sheets and started jerking my cock. As I was about to cum, I rose to my knees and shot my load all over my sleeping wife. She didn't even flinch and didn't say a word to me about it the next morning.

The next night we had fun at the wedding reception, got good and drunk and went back to the room. She got out of her dress and as she stood there naked in front of the bathroom mirror removing her makeup, I couldn't help but stare and admire her body that even after a couple kids still looks good. Again, my cock rose to full attention and I slid in behind her rubbing my cock up and down her ass crack. She started giggling and again I said to myself that it was on. Then she walked out of the bathroom and put on her pajama pants and a t-shirt. I said loudly "what the fuck! are we not going to have sex tonight?" and she again said her usual "I'm so tired, I just want to go to sleep.".

I was furious and told her I am so over this bullshit. I threw on some clothes and stormed out of the room. There was some chain restaurant with a bar still open near the hotel so I settled into a spot at the corner of the bar. It wasn't packed but a decent crowd in there that seemed like a mix of locals and guests at the 3 hotels nearby.

After about 15 minutes some a guy asked if I minded if he took the empty bar stool next to me. I nodded yes and he sat. I think I was still visibly fuming because he said something like "seems like you are having a shitty night". I said "you don't even want to know man, wife problems, I should have never gotten married". He said, "go ahead lay it on me if you feel like getting it off your chest.".

So I told him about my sexual frustration of the last year and in particular the last two nights. He just listened and told me that him and his wife have gone through some droughts, but maybe it would get better. We continued to chat for a while about typical bullshit like sports and jobs. He told me he came to town for two week stretches at a time for work so stayed over on the weekend at the hotel we were staying in instead of paying to travel home.

After about an hour the bartender called last call which was probably good by me as I had downed about 5 shots and a couple of beers since I sat down on top of all the drinks at the wedding, so I was clearly pretty drunk. I said nice to meet you to the guy next to me and I stood up to head out. He shook my hand and said he was ready to head out as well. We walked back over to the hotel and as soon as we got in the elevator he said, "you know, I can help you with your problem if you want" and reach out grabbing my crotch. I flinched and jumped back at first not expecting that at all. Right then the elevator door opened on my floor and for whatever reason I didn't get out. I was so sexually frustrated at that point that I reached over and grabbed his hand and put it back on the outside of my jeans cupping my cock. I've never been with a guy before, but I said fuck it as I felt my cock start to stiffen. He just smiled at me and then the door opened for his floor.

I followed him to his room and went inside. He asked if I wanted another drink and I nervously said yes, probably with my voice a little shaky. He poured us both a scotch straight up from a bottle of Johnnie Walker he had on the hotel room desk and then put on some music on the iPod docked on the nightstand. I sat on the bed and he sat next to me. He rubbed my thigh and then my crotch and leaned in trying to kiss me. I pulled back and said, "sorry, I don't think I can kiss you" and he said he understood. Just then he put down his glass and unbuttoned my jeans, unzipped the fly and my cock popped right out since I had never put on underwear when I stormed out of the room. He grabbed hold of my dick and started gently stroking me. It felt so good to just be touched again. I shot back the rest of my scotch, laid back on the bed and just closed my eyes.

I felt him move around and then could feel his breath on my cock, then the formerly familiar feel of a warm, wet mouth engulfing me. God, I said, I have missed this feeling. He just moaned as he continued sucking me off. I reached down and started rubbing his hair and head as he bobbed up and down. Then suddenly he stopped and asked me if I'd be willing to fuck him. I kind of stumbled over my words and said I don't know, a bj is one thing but maybe this was going to far. He asked if I had ever fucked a girl in the ass before and I said yes, that I had done it with several women before, and he said that an ass is an ass, it is all the same and that he just wanted to see me enjoy getting my nut the best I could.

I thought to myself I had come this far so I said I would do it if he had a condom I could wear because I had no interest in not being protected. He said he did and stood up and within a few seconds returned from the bathroom with a rubber. He opened the package and then unrolled the rubber onto my cock. He also had grabbed a small bottle of lube and squirted some on the rubber and then reached back and rubbed and worked some into his asshole. He climbed up onto the bed, straddled my thighs, grabbed my cock and began slowly jerking my cock as he pushed me into his asshole. Finally I was completely inside of me and he just sat on my thighs. Then he slowly started moving up and down on my cock and I will admit that it felt really good to just be inside someone again. He picked up his pace and I found myself reaching out and grabbing his hips and moving my arms up and down with his rhythm. His cock was really hard and not sure what came over me but I moved my right hand from his hip and reached for his dick and slowly started stroking him. He told me how good it felt then he reached over, grabbed the lube and squirted a little on his dick making my hand glide nice and easy. We continued on like this for maybe another 3 minutes. He started moaning really load and I felt his cock in my hand feel like it had engorged itself even more then he said, "oh christ, I'm going to cum...please god, god with me cum in my asshole" and he shot a couple of huge ropes of jizz onto my stomach, chest and all the way up to my chin. Right then I knew I was going to lose it myself and I came an intense orgasm and shot a load that felt massive into the condom. He collapsed on top of me and then a few seconds later rolled off of me popping my dick out of his asshole.

We sat there both catching our breath for a minute before he sat up. He reached down and pulled the condom off my softening cock. He took the cum filled condom and turned it upside down, squeezed it from the tip on down and dripped my load into his mouth, swirled his tongue around a bit, then swallowed all of my cum. He looked at me, smiled and laughed and then leaned in and licked his cum from my chest then licked up my neck to my chin then he just kept going and I said fuck it, and he kissed my lips and swirled his cum soaked tongue into my mouth. I kissed him back deeply for a minute.

He stood up, went to the bathroom, returned with a towel he tossed to me. I cleaned myself up, put my clothes back on, threw back another shot of scotch he just poured for me and said I had to go. He walked me to the door, put out his hand to shake my hand, and said "I hope everything works out with your wife". I said thanks and walked out the door. I went back down to my room, opened the door and heard my wife snoring away. I changed out of my clothes and crawled into bed.

The next morning I woke up with a raging hard on just like I have most mornings. As is usually the case, my wife paid no attention to it so we just showered up and got ready to head home. This hotel was one of those that has the free breakfast in the lobby so before checking out we went to get some coffee and something to eat. As we sat at the table I looked up and standing there getting come coffee was my friend from a few hours before. He gave me a little nod and I nodded back to which my wife asked, "who's that, someone from the wedding?" to which I replied, "no, just some guy I sat next to at the bar last night after you passed out on me and left me with a raging hard on...thanks a lot." She just shrugged her shoulders and said her usual, "sorry, I was really tired." We checked out and headed home. Not sure I will ever do anything like that again, but I will say in the moment I enjoyed every fucking second of it.

After 22 years of marriage, last night on my 42nd birthday my wife watched me suck cock and swallow cum for the first time. We had talked about it because she thought it would be hot. Unfortunately she didn't enjoy it as much as I thought she would nor was it our son's cock she had in mind. She's always roll playing with me. 'Come fuck mommy's pussy' 'Do you like how mommy's pussy tastes?' It's a double standard if you ask me. Well guess what.... the next time she's sucking my cock and I cum down her throat I'm going to tell her it took Brooke nearly six months before she'd let me cum in her mouth. Granted the only boy she'd ever been with to that point was Walker.
Anyway...I tried. Maybe our son wasn't the first person she needed to see cum in my mouth. Sorry Walker... Tell your sister to hush for a bit, I know how she likes to run her mouth. Ha, I guess we both do. Should have named her River instead of Brooke.

I confess that I picked up a street walker once. I read in the paper there was a lot of prostitution in a nearby neighborhood and I got curious. I get there one night and drive around. Just the usual homeless and some people walking around. Where were all the damn hookers? Once I saw a girl who was obviously working, but she got picked up before I got there. Two hours into my search, I pulled up to a gas station to take a piss. I come out and I see this gorgeous little blonde teen going down on some asshole in the truck parked next to me. I decided to wait for him to finish and pick her up after he drops her off. Twenty fucking minutes later, he finally leaves. Then we're at an intersection and the asshole drives through right as the light changes. I almost follow when I see a cop in another lane. Shit. So after almost four hours round-trip (in what was supposed to be hotbed of whores) I call it a night.

A couple days later I come back in the afternoon. I read up on the topic before I left (yeah, I'm a sad nerd) and discover that street hookers often aren't dressed like hookers. You can spot them by looking for women randomly walking around like they're lost, carrying a lot of shit like bags and sweaters and food. Sometimes shifty looking guys (drug dealers/pimps) follow them around. Looking back I realize I missed a bunch of them that first night. 30 minutes of driving around again and I still don't see much. I stop at another gas station.

Finally, I spot a fat woman with a bad complexion carrying a jacket over her shoulder and looking around the station. She sort of stops and eyes all the guys filling up. Nobody meets her gaze so she moves on. I pull out and stop ahead of her down the street. She's asks me if I'm "looking for a girl". Sure I am. She asks if I'm a cop. "No I'm not" (WTF kind of pointless question is that?). She gets in and is even uglier up close. At least 45. Fuck it. I'm on a mission. She tells me were to go. Asks me if I'm a serial killer. (Huh?) and then grabs my cock to prove she's not a cop. I didn't ask. I grab her fat tit. We're friends now.

I pull into a restaurant parking lot. 20 for a BJ, 40 for BBBJTCIM. She expects money up front. I pay her 40. Worst goddamn blowjob of my life. It's like she was trying to circumcise me with her yellow fucking teeth. I could barely stay hard. I'm paranoid about getting spotted so I look around while saying "less teeth" over and over. I see some other guy getting a BJ from a hot young hooker in the next car. Again. I obviously suck at picking up street whores. 10 minutes go by and my hooker gets impatient. "Are you gonna cum or what?" I tell her to forget it. I drop her off by a bunch of drug dealer thugs and the bitch asks for payphone money. Who the fuck uses payphones anymore? I give her 50 cents just to get her out. She leans on the car door and tells me to look for her next time I'm around. I silently pledged to never return.

The TL;DR lesson? Stick to asian massage parlors.

Once, I fought Batman.

I am a night walker by day, and a damn good one. I am a hermaphroditic crack whore with a penchant for mugging my johns the minute they pay up and then stuffing their greasy heads between my thighs and telling them to swallow like a good boy. I run a criminal syndicate of psychotic whores and pimps who terrorise the streets of Gotham and and flood the Narrows with a certain opiate found from a flower found only on the slopes of a mountain in Anatolia.

Life was good.... until the Caped Crusader pounced.

I was roaming the streets with my 2-I-C, and she was telling me of the hijinks her crew had junked the night before. Suddenly, she went KAPOW! and SHAZAAM! and flew across the street. I turned around, and there was a man in a cape and mask.

"End of the line, you Hermaphroditic Huckster!" He cried.

"Oh, you wouldn't hit a woman, would you, Batman!" I simpered, whilst fumbling behind my back for the emergency 2x4 I always keep in my brassiere.

"Your Faux-Feminine Felonies will be the death of you, Androgynous Andy (for that was my alias at the time)!"

SPLAATTTT!!!!! OOMPHH!!!!

I staggered back from that two-punch combo before I put up my dukes and engaged in a fierce battle of fisticuffs and wits. I hit him in the groin with my 2x4.

OUCH!!!!!

He hit me in my boobs with his batgloves.

BOINGG!!!!!

I kicked him with a reserve crane with triple backflip.

CLATTER!!!!!

But Batman is a veteran of a thousand street brawls, and ended up besting me. He hauled me into Arkham Asylum where I spent a good ten months in a cell with the Joker and the Penguin. We started a book club and had cups of tea with Tuesday with the warden.