How fuckable would you say this barmaid is?

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is a so called actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. Read it all. Do not skip any sections. Do not skip ahead.

Pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

Note: For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off around Halloween. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

CHILI, TEXAS STYLE !!!
Note from Frank: "Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm from Springfield, IL) I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light beer booth, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that even though I was inexperienced as a Chili taster, the chili >wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting {censored-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, >sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. Atleast during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

How much would you tip this hot barmaid to get her naked?

barmaid at local pub. what wud u do

A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said, "Cheese sandwich, $2.50; chicken sandwich, $4.00; handjob, $10."
He said to the barmaid, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
She said, "Yeah."
He said, "Then go wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

Ok My confession, i have been wanting to tell someone about this for a while now but cant really tell anyone i know because most would freak out. Ok a little about me, my name is Ann im 25 and a lesbian, it was no surprise to anyone when i came out as i have always been a tom boy. I have never had a serious relationship, except my best friend Mark.
Mark shocked me a few years ago by getting engaged but i have to say his taste in women was just the best his future wife Susan was just perfect she was beautiful and had the best personality and we became good friends too. I was a bit worried she would want me to be a bridesmaid and i would have to wear a dress but Mark had other ideas and asked me to be his best man instead. Now that was more like me and i was happy to accept.
Now i wanted to do this right and asked my dad what would be the perfect stag night, he told me the only place would be Amsterdam for a weekend. So i booked us all for there, 13 guys and me. We got there on the Friday and i was sharing a room with Mark, Susan said i was the only one she trusted to share with him, oh how little she knew. Now i was never shy in front of him and we had seen each other naked lots of times and i came out the shower Mark was watching porn on the TV his cock was hard and he was wanking, now this is not the first time i had seen him do this and i asked him if he was just getting an early start or was he missing Susan? he said a little of both, i told him not to waste it because i had a big evening planned, he looked at me and asked when i started shaving my pussy, i told him i was looking to get lucky this weekend and wanted to be ready.
That day we all spent it smoking weed and drinking a little too, we ended up in a bar in the red light district and were all very drunk, i had my eye on the girl behind the bar and she thought it was great that i was Mark's best man. The boys were getting more drunk than i had ever seen before and before long they all started heading back to the hotel leaving just Mark and me, and Mark was so bloody drunk i wasn't sure how i was going to get him back to the hotel. Angie the barmaid said she would give us a ride so we put him in the car and as we did she gave me a quick kiss. We got Mark to the room and put him on the bed, Angie asked if we should strip him, i think she just wanted to see him naked and i thought what the hell, so we got him naked and she was quite impressed with his cock, i thought then i had made a mistake and maybe she wanted him and not me, but i didn't have to worry because she came over to me and before long we were on my bed naked and going for it. I so needed this because i had not had any sex in over a year and boy was she good. after we lay and talked and she asked me if Mark and me had ever fucked i told her i had never had a real cock and had decided when i was 13 that i only liked girls, she said i didn't know what i was missing and went over to Mark (who was so drunk a bomb wouldn't wake him up) she grabbed his cock and lowered her mouth onto him, i didn't know what to do but i watched as she sucked him and was shocked to see it get hard even though he was sleeping, she told me to come over and try but i said no but she grabbed my hand and pulled me over, she pushed my face to his cock and forced me to take him into my mouth, i was shocked at doing this but also shocked because i was enjoying it too, she kept me there and when Mark shot his cum she made me take it into my mouth and then she kissed me and shared it with me, we had sex again and she left.
The next morning i woke before Mark he was still naked on top of his bed and i went for a shower, i felt dirty but naughty and turned on. I wondered if he would know what we did to him, i didn't have to worry he called and asked if i would be long in the shower as he really needed one too i came out he was still naked and god he looked rough and hungover.
That day we stayed off the drink till the evening all the other guys were also hungover. But they all got over it quickly and some even went into the windows and had sex with prostitutes they tried to get Mark to do the same but he said no. We ended up back at Angie's bar and again we all got drunk some more than others, she offered us a lift back again but this time Mark was not quite as drunk as the night before, But did fall asleep so Angie and me got down to it again and she was down between my legs i saw Mark was not asleep at all and was wanking watching us, Angie saw too and laughed calling him a dirty man and went over and pulled his sheets back, she said if he was going to do it at least let us see, so we put on a show for him, and he loved it, he shot his cum and said he was sorry because it landed over my boobs and face, i told him not to worry and Angie cleaned it off for me, she then went over to him grabbed his cock and pulled him over to my bed, she told me to lick his cock clean, Mark was so shocked when i lowered my head down and licked his cock clean, i must have done something right because he soon got hard again Angie pushed me back onto the bed opened my legs and told Mark to fuck me, i thought he would say not or protest but he just got on me and slid his cock into me, he fucked me hard and fast and as he did Angie lowered her pussy over my mouth and i was in heaven, he shot his cum inside me and we all fell onto the bed, Angie left us alone and mark and me talked about what had happened, he told me he had wanted to fuck me for years but didn't want to say in case he scared me away he also told me he was awake the night before, He fucked me again that night and i was more shocked that i liked it, he asked me if i would find other men to fuck now, i told him i had no idea.
The next day we flew home and 2 days later he turned up at my house to stay for a few days before the wedding, Susan didn't want him in their house before the wedding. We had not talked since we got back and i brought up what had happened he said he was ok with it if i was. That night i had a shower and when i went to my bedroom Mark was there naked and hard, we fucked and slept together that night.
The day of the wedding i felt so guilty Susan was so beautiful and she had no idea Mark and me had fucked. They went away on their honeymoon and when they came back Susan visited me with a gift for being such a good friend and doing a good job for looking after Mark on the stag weekend
That weekend Mark came over for a drink i wasn't sure what to do or say i was so confused, before that weekend i was a lesbian and would never have thought about sex with a man now it was all i could think about. I told Mark they way i was feeling and he said he was sorry but that he would help if i wanted to fuck again, i told him that he was married now and that i couldn't do that to Susan again, he smiled and told me that she had told him that she always wondered what it would be like to be with another girl. We made plans that night for me to seduce Susan but that is another story

Fucked this barmaid today.

Tied up and ready for you! Wwyd with this ex barmaid?

As some may know I'm a barmaid and one of my tasks is cleaning the restrooms during my shift. I clean both  men's and women's, but cleaning men's  will get me so horny sometimes, just being in there alone, and the strong smell of piss (I actually think it smells sweet) has made me get a little naughty in there, knowing that only a sign on the door is stopping strange men from catching me..hehe I haven't even told hubby this before, has been my secret lol x

I'm your barmaid for the evening...would you tell me about my wardrobe  malfunction?

I have thought about posting on here for a while now. A friend told me about this site when I got divorced but I had never been into porn and never visited this site till a few months ago and now I am hooked. I should really give you all a little background on me. You can call me Lisa (my middle name) and the only personal information I will give out. I turned 38 a few days ago. I am very short only 4 foot 11 inches tall with long red hair and I am slim and keep myself in shape. I have always had very small breasts and was teased all the way through school for being flat chested. I got married when i was 21 and divorced at 35. It felt like getting out of prison. My ex was very controling and I lost touch with all my friends. Once I got divorced I had to find a job but I had never worked all my married life and all I could get was a job in a bar. I was quite shy and it took me a few months to open up but became friends with the owner. Laura was a little older than I, 41 and it was her that turned me onto this site. Unlike me she was very loud and made friends easy. She lived in a flat above the pub and like me she was divorced. I had run out of change one afternoon and went to her flat to ask for more. She had told me to come up when ever I needed change and I didn't bother to knock. I walked into her living room and she was sitting on the couch naked as the day she was born fucking herself with a vibrator. I said I was sorry but she just laughed and said not to worry about it, she gave me some change, still naked and smiled at me. All the rest of my shift I couldn't get the image of her naked and masturbating out of my head.
A few days later I was on the late shift with her, she asked me to stay back after and have a drink with her. We got a little drunk and she started talking about sex, she finally got me to talk about my sex life, or total lack of it. I told her how abusive and controling my ex was and that sex with him was a nightmare and had always been about him and not me. It felt good actually talking about it and bared my soul to her.
The next week I was on the close shift again, and I was wearing a short black dress. We were cleaning up and I bent down to put some glasses away and she slapped my bottom. I looked up and she was smilling at me. We finished cleaning and she poured me a vodka. We got a little drunk and I needed to go to the toilet, I came back and she was sitting on the bar totally naked. I froze and didn't know what to say or do. She laughed and said I should join her and just maybe I would like it. I was a little scared because no one had ever seen me naked except my ex but she wouldn't take no for an answer and she unzipped my dress and pulled it down. Now I never wear a bra because my breasts are so small, she pulled my panties down and saw my thick very red bush. She handed me another drink and we sat naked and again the subject turned to sex and masturbation. I felt very exposed at first but to my real surprise It felt very good being naked with her. As we talked her fingers went to her pussy and she was fingering herself in front of me. She told me she used to love doing this with her friends when she was a teen. I told her I had never ever done this with anyone not even my ex. We got pretty drunk and I slid my finger inside myself as she watched. Now that night all that happened was that.

My next late shift was the following Saturday with another girl, Susan. She had worked there for a few years, she was 21 and our most popular barmaid. She is very beautiful. As we were getting close to closing and she came upto me and told me Laura had told her she had done the naked thing with me, and gave me a pat on the bottom. We locked the doors and I got to cleaning up. I was in the gents toilets cleaning them when she walked in pulled up her skirt and laughed and asked if I had ever pissed standing up, something she did right in front of me. I couldn't help but laugh. We finished cleaning and As I went to grab my coat she grabbed me and kissed me. I was in shock, her tongue pushed its way in my mouth and her hands grabbed my ass. She pulled away and told me she had wanted to do that since she first met me and hopped I didn't mind. Her hands were still on my ass and as I looked at her all I could say was no, she kissed me again and this time I kissed her back. I have no idea how long we were kissing abut when we finished Laura was standing watching us, she was naked and had a vibrator in her hand. Susan started to pull my clothes off and before I knew it I was naked. I was pushed onto a seat and she opened my legs and her head was in between my legs. Her tongue found my clit, I am not sure what was going through my head because as soon as her tongue found my clit I was lost. My ex never went down on me and strange as it sounds this was the first time anyone ever had. Susan soon had me cumming, something that never happened before with my ex, the only time I had ever cum before was when I did it myself. When it finished all I could do was lay there, Laura replaced Susan's tongue with the vibrator and as she fucked me with it I watched Susan strip off, my god she was beautiful, her breasts were massive and her nipples were sticking out. I came again and adain and they both took turns with their tongues and vibrator. I have no idea how many times I came or even how long I was there. I was trying to recover and as I did I watched them lick and fuck each other. Laura got us some drinks and asked me if I was OK? All I could do was nod, but inside I was very confused. Laura and Susan sat beside me and Laura ran her fingers over my thick bush and asked if I ever shaved
But that is another story