The following is not real. Some of you know have known me will recognize some of the people, but this is not how this actually happened. People suggested I try writing something else so here you go.

So, Im going to be straight up for a second. I think about fucking everyone I meet. I think about how they would feel under my hands. Or how I could make them cum. I think about what kinky stuff they might be into. Is the fat old charge nurse into anal? What would that paramedic do if I asked him to piss on me? Would the clerk that checked me out at the store rim me if I went down on him?
All of these and more race through my mind. Normally I push them out of the way. Sometimes I dwell on them, and try to find out. And that’s how it was with my father in law.
From the moment I saw him, I wanted to fuck him. Joe and I had just started dating and we had gone to his parents house. My future father in law (lets call him Frank) was a runner. Not just recreationally. He liked to do marathons and shit like that. As such, he was in amazing shape. Athletic and slim. His muscles were well defined under his skin, and he had the sharp facial figures like a sculpture. His hair was still black, aside from the gray that had begun to appear at his temples.
To be fair, I was in shape then too. More than one, actually. They were just circles of various sizes.
From that day forward, I wanted to fuck him. I wouldn’t say I was obsessed, but I did think about it often. I was still occasionally fucking Joe’s brother, so I would find myself comparing their cocks. Joe’s wasn’t small, necessarily, but it lacked his brother’s girth. I began to wonder what it would take to get Frank to fuck around on his wife. He had raised one son to have an intense moral direction. Joe doesn’t like anything I like in the bedroom, mostly because he finds it degrading to me.
On the other hand, his other son was a complete dirtbag. He was the one that came on to me first. To be fair, I kept it going after the wedding, but he could have said no. What kind of a guy fucks his brothers wife the day they leave for their honeymoon?
So what kind of guy was Frank? One of his sons was an outlier, but which one? And then what kind of woman would not only entice him to cheat, but to fuck his sons wife as well. It was the kind of challenge I rose to. I had to find out. It would be quite the accomplishment, fucking all the men in a family. Well, aside from mine, I guess.
It would be a process. A long one. Find out if he would cheat. Find out if he would cheat with a fat girl. Find out if he would cheat with a fat daughter in law. Finally find out if he wanted a whore or an angel. I could do either, but angel was temporary. I would see him pretty regularly, once week or so, more often during the summer. He had a pool, you see, and Joe loved to swim.
So I got to work. First step was to see if he was even interested. I waited until the next time we went swimming. That would be a few weeks away, so I contented myself through masturbation that mostly involved him and my dad tag teaming me. By the time we were actually going, not even these clit sessions could tide me over.
I had thought about doing a two piece, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. So I settled on my one piece. It would be sufficient for this. The changing room was their bedroom, and it had a sliding glass door that led to the pool. There was a curtain to pull to cover it. I thought about leaving the curtain open, but there was never a time when he was the only one in line of sight. Disappointed, I headed to the pool to join the others.
It was while swimming that I saw my first opportunity. The pool itself was a saltwater pool, and at one end was a hot tub fixture that overflowed in a waterfall into the pool itself. Frank was standing by the waterfall, talking to Joe, who was in the tub. I dove under the water, and while I swam to the waterfall, I adjusted by suit so that I had a nipple peaking out. I wasn’t able to be sure, and I didn’t want too much to show, but it was a gamble.
I rose out of the water next to Frank, my left nipple exposed. I slid up next to him and asked what they were up to. Joe couldn’t see my tits from his position, No one else would be in line of sight if I turned towards Frank. Slowly, with the waterfall falling on me, I turned towards him and asked him what he was drinking.
He looked to me and opened his mouth to answer, but his eyes went right to my tit. I held my breath. Would he say something? Would he freak out? Would he just stare?
The latter. As he responded to me, I slowly exhaled the breath I had been holding. His eyes were flicking between Joe, me, and my nipple. I was looking him over too. His chest had a small v shaped patch of graying hair, his nipples sat flush against his body. His neck was ridged by firm tendons and muscles. Fucking hell he was sooo hot. Joe began moving toward the stairs so I dipped down and fixed my suit.
I swam away eagerly awaiting my next chance. I was optimistic about this thing for the first time. Pushing the envelope and taking chances were such a turn on for me that I was spent the rest of the swim time rubbing my clit hidden by the water.
We caught eyes a few times after that, but he didn’t really betray anything else. A plan took form. I would be the last to get out. I would go into the room to change, and somehow entice him in there once I had stripped out of my suit and covered myself. Then, a quick flash, or something. I wasn’t sure yet.
As luck would have it, Frank and I were the last two. Improvising, I got out and piddled around outside until Joe had finished changing. I went in, and began to look around the room for something to give me an excuse to get him in here. I had to hurry, and act while he was alone in the pool area. If anyone else was there, they might come instead.
It didn’t take long. There was a hamper in the bathroom for towels, but Joe had been Joe and just piled them on top of it. Under the pile of wet towels, it might be missed. I stripped out of my suit, and wrapped myself in a dry towel. I rushed to the door and looked out. He was still alone, but he was out of the pool.
I slid the door open. “Hey Frank. Where do I put my towels?”
He looked at me in the towel, and flipped his head to the main doors into the house, possibly to see were everyone was, then back to me. “I-In the bathroom, Claire.” He said.
“I looked I don’t see it. Can you show me?” I asked. Deliberately I looked down. His wet trunks clung to his body. It wasn’t hard to see the outline of his cock, hanging flaccid, along his body. It was hard to gage, but he looked bigger than either of his sons. I let my eyes linger, then went back to his face. I bit my lower lip.
Wordlessly he started towards me. “Thanks, Frank.” I said, retreating back into the room before he got there. Now what? I thought to myself. Just dropping the towel would be a high risk high reward situation. If he reacts poorly, it might be impossible to say it was just an accident. Instead, I sat on his bed, facing the bathroom. I spread my legs, leaving the towel on, but parted just enough.
He came in and stopped. My breath caught again. For what seemed like an eternity he stared at me. He smiled slightly, but it was gone as quick as it came. He moved to the bathroom.
“Oh.” He said as he rounded the corner. “Fuckin’ Joe.” He said. He leaned down to begin picking the towels up. He turned his head to me. His eyes right between my legs. I know he could see my pussy. “Does he at least put thigs away at home?”
I just shook my head, looking at him. He looked away and stood. “Well, there’s the hamper. You can put the towel in there.”
I stood, bent over to grab the wet one I had used, and walked into the bathroom, passing him in the door way. I turned sideways, ass to him, as I slipped through. I stuck my ass out, and brushed it across his groin, feeling his bulge as I did so. I dropped the towel in the hamper.
I turned to Frank. He was staring at me. “Can you hand me my clothes? They are on the bed.” His face was red as he turned and proceeded into the room. As soon as his back was turned, I went for it. I dropped the towel. He returned and stopped as soon as he saw me. “Thanks.” I said. And I took the clothes. He stared at me. At my tits. My pussy.
“Claire, I-“ he began. I closed the door.
Fuck. I needed to cum. I heard the door slide open and then close. I thought about his cock, I thought about him pinning me in the doorway and forcing it into me. I wondered if he would try to fuck my ass. My fingers went to my clit. It didn’t take long before I was cumming.
After, I took stock of where I was. I had gone for broke. It hadn’t blown up in my face. And I felt like I knew he would cheat. I felt like he liked big tits, and I felt that he wanted me to be slutty. Maybe this would be easy.
I was wrong. The next few swim days he was noticeably absent. His wife had said that he was running errands or something like that. She never seemed bothered. I fucked myself after one day imaging he had told her and we were going to have a threesome.
The next chance would be an unexpected one.
It was Labor Day. I remember because I was off and Joe worked, taking the double time that he would get. Joe was already gone when I woke, and knowing that I would have 7 hours in the house alone had me wet thinking about who I was going to have over to fuck. I had begun to flip through my contacts when the phone rang, the caller ID showing it was Joes cell. My heart sank. He had to be telling me that he was coming home early.
“Hey, babe.” I answered, forcing a yawn.
“You just getting up?”
“Yeah. Whats up?”
“I need you to do me a favor. I need you to go into the garage and grab a tool and bring it to my dad.” He said.
I sat straight up. “Yeah I can do that.”
“Mom has the car and she’s out at my aunts. He told me not to worry about it, but hes been looking forward to this project for a while.”
“Sure!” I jumped out of bed as he talked me through the garage and the location of the tool. Once identified, I let him go, and began to plot my course of action.
He was clearly hesitant. But he couldn’t trust himself around me. He knew what the game was, he knew he would lose, and he was just trying not to play. I needed to be able to get him to the table.
Clothes would be key. It was a little cooler, too cool for shorts, but leggings would work. No panties. The top would be a little trickier. My tits are huge, H Cups. Braless wasn’t an option, but I had an ill fitting balconette that let the tops of my areolas pop out if I positioned it right. A white camisole and light black sweater completed the outfit. I checked myself out in the mirror. A quick tug on the camisole brought a hint of areola into view. Perfect.
I went out to the truck, threw the tool in the back and headed off to my in laws house. The whole ride over there I had the butterflies in my stomach that were my vice. That anticipation of something new and different. The pushing of boundaries, the taboo of the act, the risk of getting caught. All were combining to give me a high that nothing else could touch.
By the time I pulled into the gravel driveway, my pussy was aching. As I rolled to a stop, I realized I hadn’t even thought about what I was going to do. I had been so preoccupied thinking about fucking him, that I hadn’t even bothered to think about how I was going to do it.
As I got out of the truck, Frank came out from the side of the house. He was in jeans and a long-sleeved red shirt. Sawdust clung to it. He stopped when he say me, but then continued on.
“What are you doing here, Claire?” There was a tinge of anger. Good.
“Joe told me you needed this.” I went to the back and pulled out the saw.
“Yeah I told him not to worry about it.”
“Well he worried.” I passed the saw to him.
He looked me up and down. “Tell him thanks.” He said and then turned with the saw and headed back to the house.
Fuck. This wasn’t working. I watched as he turned around back. He was resisting, but I saw it in his eyes. I know that look. Seen it in plenty of men’s eyes. I pulled the black sweater off, threw it in the truck, and headed off in his footsteps.
I rounded the corner and saw him in his workshop. Formerly a detached garage, he had turned it into his hobby room a few years ago. There was a piece of wood on two stands that he was measuring. A few stools and chairs littered the perimeter of the shop. When he saw me, he stopped and sighed.
“What are you working on?” I asked.
“Claire, why are you here?”
“Im bored.” I said, biting my lip. “Joe is at work, and hes not as entertaining as he could be even when he is home.
“W-well I got a lot of stuff to do here, and I’m not going to be entertaining anyway.” He returned to measuring.
“Well, anything is better than being alone at the house.” I found one of the rocking chairs and sat in it. So far, so good, but I was running out of moves. The silences persisted for a few minutes while he measured and marked different pieces of wood. Then it hit me. I had a plan. All I had to do was wat for my opening.
It didn’t take long. After about 5 more minutes of silence, he left to go inside to get something. I took my shot. As soon as he was gone, I jumped up and headed for the pool. Flipping the cover on the control panel, I flipped the tub to on. I raced back to the shop, and I stripped off all my clothes, placing them in the chair I was sitting in. I then raced through the brisk air to the tub, where I slid in.
The water was ice cold. My nipples immediately hardened. The water coming from the jets was warm, but still, my teeth began to chatter. I prayed the water would heat up quickly.
I heard the side door open. He was heading back into the shop. It didn’t take long before he rounded the corner. I waved at him. He slowly walked over.
“Claire. What the hell are you doing?”
“Entertaining myself.” I said. I made a show of pushing my hands down to my pussy. “Since you wont, I have to find something to do.”
“This ain’t right, Claire. Theres something wrong with you.”
I smiled and closed my eyes as my fingers slipped inside me. “Mmmhm.” I moaned in agreement. “Very wrong.” I said.
He watched me finger myself. He didn’t leave. I went all in. I stood and began to walk out of the tub. The chill in the air brought my chattering teeth back. “I’m going to go into the house and Im going to be entertaining myself. If you are bored, you should follow me.” And I headed for the sliding door.
I entered, thought about the couch, but decided against getting it all wet, and went to the floor instead. I got down on all fours, ass in the air, and began to play with my pussy. I rubbed my asshole too.
I heard the door open and smiled. I had won.
I rolled over and lay on my back. He stood over me. He began to undo his jeans and I moved to my knees. “You are going to love this, Frank.” I told him.
I was eager to finally see this cock. As his jeans fell I reached up and took his boxers in my hands, I pulled them down.
It was wonderful. Bigger than either of his sons. A good 6 or 7 inches, if I have to guess, but thick. His balls hung in a sack covered in gray pubic hairs. I opened my mouth, and licked the length of his shaft, my eyes locked with his. From the tip to the base, and then back again. He began to grow. I took him into my mouth and began to suck. Using my mouth, suction, tongue, suction, tongue. He grew to an impressive level of fullness in my mouth. I pulled it out.
“Gag me, daddy.” I said before plunging down on it again. This time I felt him hit the back of my throat and the first gag began. I felt his hand on the back of my head as he held me there. Oh yes. He wanted a whore. I’d give him that.
He let me up and I pulled back, rubbing the slime covered cock on my face. “You are so much bigger than Joe.” I said.
“Shut the fuck up.” He said and he forced it back in my mouth. Another round of gaging began. When he let me up from it, I went back to his balls, letting the cock lay across my face. I licked and gently sucked each ball, and then I moved lower. He moved back. He looked at me confused. “What are you doing?”
Poor bastard. He’d never been rimmed. I smiled. I stood and undid his shirt. Once off I sucked and nibbled at his nipples as I walked him back to his chair. He fell down into it. I returned to my knees and the blow job. Building up a good supply of saliva, I worked down to his balls again, and then to under them.
It was clear he had been working, but it turned me on even more. Lower and further I pushed, my tongue searching for his ass. I could hear him moaning. I reached up and grabbed his cock. Mainly to keep him from jerking it and cumming too quick. I finally found it. I thought about how wanton and whoreish I was being. On my knees, with my tongue on my husbands fathers ass.
“Fucking hell, Claire.” He moaned. I pulled out.
“Betty doesn’t to that, does she?” I smiled.
He shook his head and stood up. It was his turn to take control. He turned me around and began kissing my neck and rubbing my tits. I felt his cock pressing into my back. He reached down and inserted a finger into my pussy. I felt him pushing me down and over. I resumed my position on my knees, my shoulders and head on the carpet.
“Fuck me daddy.” I said.
“Where?” he asked
“Anywhere you want.”
“Does he do anal?” I shook my head no, preparing for the possibility that I was about to take a pretty big cock in my ass. “Just my pussy.”
I felt the head at my ass. I reached back and spread for him. “Yessss, daddy.” He began to push in. I gasped when he first popped in. We had no lube, aside from my spit, and he was bigger than any I had been buttfucked with in a while. I let my cheeks go. The pain was reaching my threshold. I took my other hand and went to my clit, hoping to off set it.
That seemed to work. The searing pain became more bearable. “Im a whore. Im a whore. Im a whore.” I began to repeat to myself reminding myself that I wanted this. He began to slid in and out.
“Do you fuck Bettys ass, Frank?”
“Call me daddy.”
“Do you fuck Bettys ass, Daddy?”
“Not in a while.” It turned me on even more that Betty used to take dicks in her ass.
“Pull my hair daddy.” He obliged as he began to pick up speed. He had the stamina I expected from a runner, as well as the endurance.
He was pounding my ass now. My own fingers had brought me to the point of climax. I screamed as the cum took me, clinching my ass around his thick invading cock. I fully expected him to cum. But he slowed down. Not wanting to hurt me as my ass was clenching, he slowed, delaying his own satisfaction.
As soon as I subsided, we resumed the fucking. His relentless assault on my body. I couldn’t wait to have him fucking my pussy like this. “Im gonna cum, Claire.” He exclaimed.
“Do it daddy. Cum inside me.”
With a shudder he did. With each pump he moaned and shook. I couldn’t feel him cumming, but I knew it was a lot. I only felt it as he fell out of my ass. He fell next to me, catching his breath. I moved to my side and snuggled up next to him. “Good?” he asked me.
“Better than both your sons.” I smiled.
He looked at me shocked for a moment. Before he began to smile, letting his head fall back to the floor. “Wow. You are a whore. But you are an amazing fuck.”
I smiled and looked down at his cock. The cum coated it, but it didnt look bad. I leaned over and took it into my mouth. He looked at me with a mixture of lust and confusion. I felt his cock twitch a little in my mouth.
I pulled off it. “I want you to fuck my pussy next.”

"Sexual Orientation: It's Complicated"

I'm straight. Srzly. I like to look at girls, I get turned off by guys or their penises. But there's a part in me that doesn't make much sense:
I wanna shove things inside my pussy. (Which I don't have, obviously!)
As if I had a female persona in me. Funny thing is, that female part seems to be lesbian. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a girl, I like my body the way it is. But there's some things that seem to stimulate the female, like, car mechanics, especially the smell of machine oil triggers her. I'm more into electro-mechanics, she's into the rough stuff. She'd like to shove in tools, I like watching girls do food and veggies. You get the point; we have different tastes, that's how I "know" her. But we agree on the girls!
Dunno if this is some kinda spiritual "link" or just something messed up in the brain. Partially, it's nice, but mostly just frustrating. I tried anal, but it's just uncomfortable and painful.

I have to confess this here because I cannot tell anyone I know:

Today, I got 2 ping pong balls stuck up my ass while my wife was at work. Today is my day off. I was in the shower playing with my (secret) vibrator and 6 ping pong balls. I had taken tons of enemas to make sure I was totally clean inside. While laying in the shower on my back, I stuck the ping pong balls up my ass one-by-one, until I had 5 in there.

The 3rd, 4th, and 5th balls sort-of sat next to each other, rather than stacking up. My colon was being stretched out and the balls were pressing hard against my prostate. I had a raging boner that I was stroking at the time. The thought came into my head, "It's like having a dog knot in my ass!" Shortly thereafter, I came. It was fantastic.

I then immediately began to excrete the ping pong balls. The first 3 went just fine. Then, nothing came out. I got to my feet, squatting, so that I could stick my fingers up there and try to find the next one. It wasn't within finger's reach.

I didn't panic. Instead, I stuck 3 fingers in my ass in an attempt to reach as far up as possible. I located the 2nd ball at the sharp turn that begins the sigmoid colon. I couldn't feel it directly, though. I felt it through some intestinal wall, meaning that it was around the turn of the sigmoid and lodged in.

I thought, "FUCK!" I knew it would be very difficult to extract it, let alone the 1st ball behind it!

After a few attempts to push it out, I decided to just clean myself up and get out of the shower. My hope was that I could identify some tools that would help me get it out, and possibly help it move downward by walking around.

I tried several things. First, I googled the medical procedure for extracting foreign bodies from rectums. There are several of common procedures. Primarily, a doctor spreads your asshole open and then tries to pry the object out manually. If that doesn't work, they will try to grab it with instruments. If that doesn't work, they might try to slip something past it, such as a balloon, and then inflate the balloon and pull the object out. There were also instances of using a vacuum device. If that doesn't work. . . Colonoscopy!

So, I found the vacuum. I decided that I had no control over the suction and that I was highly likely to rip my intestines out if I attempted to use it. However, I thought that maybe using the cylindrical hose extension might allow the ping pong balls to simply fall out. But, the ping pong balls were too wide to fit into the extension.

So, I found a turkey baster in the kitchen. I got back into the tub (so as not to make a mess) and stuck the turkey baster up my ass and pulled the plunger out. I don't think it did anything. It was small.

So, I googled the anatomy of the rectum to discover which side of my abdomen the sigmoid colon was on. This way, when I stuck something up in there, I knew which direction to turn it in order to pull the intestinal wall downward and out of the way of the ping pong balls.

It turns out that I inherited some old stainless steel surgical instruments. I don't know what they are for. They are about 10 inches long, rectangular extrusions that taper to a sharp edge at one end. All the other edges are rounded. The end opposite the sharp edge is blunt. I decided that I could use the blunt end to pry the intestinal wall down. I returned to the shower after thoroughly cleaning the instruments.

I laid down on my back and pulled my knees to my chest. I gently inserted the thinnest instrument into my ass. It went in about 8 inches. When I turned it a certain way, it would tap against the ping pong ball. I managed to turn it just right to pry the sigmoid colon's sharp corner downward and release the ball into my colon. All the while, I was bearing down as if I was giving birth. The ball began to travel down my colon. All the while I was guiding it and prying my rectum open with the stainless steel instrument. I was afraid that the ball might be inclined to go back up, so I didn't stop pushing until it finally popped out.

I was instantly relieved. However, there was still another ball stuck inside of me. I immediately returned to my feet, squatting, so that I could feel for it. I managed to get three fingers inside myself, as far up as they would go. I could not feel the ball. When I took my fingers out, I noticed a pool of blood underneath me. It was small and looked to be watered down. Perhaps it wasn't all blood.

I inserted the instrument and tried to feel for the ball. Nothing.

I decided to clean up and take a break. At this point I had spent a couple of hours running around the house looking for tools and researching how to go about extraction.

While I took my break, I paced around the house in an attempt to get the ball to move down on its own. After an hour or so, I attempted to find the ball again. Nothing. Just a small pool of blood. So, I cleaned up and I began to research again.

What happens if I can't get this thing out? Like I said before, worst case scenario is that I go to the hospital, spend a ton of money to have a doctor take it out, and never hear the end of it from my wife. By the way, she knows that I enjoy anal stimulation, but she does not participate and does not know how/when I do it. Worst-worst case scenario? Colostomy. I end up with a colostomy bag on my hip for being a fucking idiot.

I decided to drink some gatorade to make sure that I wouldn't run out of electrolytes. I then decided to eat something in an attempt to get my bowels to move on their own. Remember, though, that I had taken several enemas. My bowels were completely empty except for this ping pong ball. I then decided to drink 2 cups of coffee very quickly, since coffee is a diuretic and may cause my bowels to move. I paced the house for 10 minutes, drinking coffee.

I tried to find the ball again. Nothing. Just tiny droplets of blood.

I began to panic at this point. I was asking myself, "Why?! Why do I do this to myself?" I came to the realization that I was a fucking idiot and that I got greedy with pleasuring myself. I should never play with untethered objects. I probably shouldn't even play with dildos. I doubt anything in your ass (besides shit) is really a good idea.

So, in this moment of panic with time running out before my wife comes home from work, I decided that I should try to put something behind the ball to force it out. What could I possibly put behind it? AIR. I went and got the bike tire pump from the garage and promptly stuck it up my ass and began pumping. As air passed into my asshole, it made a fart sound. I felt my abdomen fill with air. I then paced the house for several minutes before sitting on the toilet and trying to pass the ball.

Only air came out. "Fuck!" Now, I was risking embolism in an attempt to get this thing out. Embolism is where you introduce harmful bacteria into your colon (or even other body cavities) and they cause a major infection that can kill you.

So, I really began to panic. "Why!? Why do I do this stupid shit?!"

I finally decided that the only thing I had left to do was to take more enemas. I climbed into the shower and promptly started filling my ass with water via the shower hose. (The shower head has a hose. Remove the shower head and you have a nearly perfect enema hose that's pumps water into your ass.) Taking enemas like this can also lead to embolism.

First enema was small. I squatted and released it all onto the tub floor. No ping pong ball.

The second enema was rather large. I filled myself until it began to put pressure on my abdomen. I squatted and released it all onto the tub floor. No ping pong ball.

Determined, I took a third enema. It was rather small. I squatted and let the water out. But, some air came with it. I thought, "Perhaps the air did work to some extent! If that air came from behind the ball, the ball must be moving!"

Sure enough, I felt the ball enter my colon. I pushed as hard as I could and felt it slowly descend. It finally popped out and onto the floor.

I cleaned myself up and threw all of the ping pong balls in the trash. Fuck you.

I hope you enjoyed my story of idiocy and pain. All-in-all I spent about 5 hours trying to remove these things. I only spent 30 minutes putting them in. I will continue to bleed out of my ass for several days. But, crisis averted. Please, do NOT try ANYTHING I posted here for yourself. It's incredibly dangerous and could lead to severe health problems or even death. If you get something stuck in your ass, your best bet is to go to the emergency room.