hottest bestiality story ever?

dog Rapes Woman

Archive name: not.txt (F/beast, rp, v)
Authors name: Kellie C. (kellieC82@aol.com)
Story title : Not a Woman's Best Friend
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Not a Woman's Best Friend (F/beast, rp, v)
by Kellie C. (kellieC82@aol.com)
***






You know all those stupid Internet stories floating around about how women like having sex with a dog and they have great orgasms and end up not only fucking them but sucking their dicks? What absolute bullshit! This is a more realistic story.
***


My name is Christine and I was raped by a dog. I was thirty-two years old at the time (I'm thirty-five now) and living twelve miles east of Seattle,
Washington. The only reason that I'm telling you this is because of all the stupid Internet stories floating around about how women are won over by having sex with a dog and have great orgasms and end up not only fucking them but sucking their dicks. That is such bullshit.It was a Saturday morning and I was cutting my lawn. The house I was renting had an attached garage and a medium-sized yard. It wasn't the greatest house in the world--or
even in Seattle--but it was clean and well maintained and it fit my budget. I was mowing along the front sidewalk, made a turn back toward the house when the sound of a car's tires screeching on the pavement behind me made me jump. I turned around quickly, half expecting to see someone flying through the air, but it wasn't a person at all, but a dog.



He had come out of the woods across the street and tried to cross the road; now he stood just inside the verge of the woods again, looking back over his shoulder. His ears were laid back on his head and his tail tucked smartly
between his legs. The driver laid on his horn, yelled at the dog fiercely, and then sped away. As the car drove out of sight, the dog cautiously reemerged from the woods and sat down on his haunches. He was a black Labrador Retriever, a big one, and he watched me with a dog's typical aplomb, ears pricked up and head canted to one side as though wondering what I was doing over here. I had never seen him before and guessed he was
lost. I called to him and it was obvious that he heard me, but for some reason he ignored my call and I thought, Well fuck you too, doggie, and went back to cutting the lawn.



After finishing up, I went into the house and made myself a roast beef sandwich with a cold glass of milk and watched the noon-time news. Just as the news was going off, I heard a dog whining outside my screen door and I
went to have a look. Of course it was the black Lab."Hello," I greeted him. "You decided to be social now?"He was bigger than I had originally thought, at least 120 pounds, and although he didn't have a collar on, from his appearance it was obvious he belonged to someone. He was lost all right. His owner was probably looking for him now or would be soon enough. In the meantime, he looked pretty thirsty and I went to the kitchen and got him a bowl of water. When I set it near him on the porch, he backed away and wouldn't touch it until I went back inside and closed the screen door. "You are the weirdest dog I've ever seen," I said. This from Christine the expert, who'd never had a dog in her life.



I leaned against the jamb and watched him lap the water. He was watching me back. I tried talking to him in a soothing tone of voice, but he remained just as wary as ever. When I pushed open the door, intending to join him on the porch, he backed away and headed down the steps, took off at a run across the lawn. Just as he neared the curb, however, another car came around the bend going way too fast--as usual--and for a moment I thought the dog
would panic. But the driver laid on his horn and doing a one-eighty, the Lab bolted back towards my house, darted in behind the row of hedges beneath the front window and let out a frustrated woof! He just stood there panting.
If I don't do something soon, I thought, this dog is going to get killed. Not really sure what I was doing, I picked up the empty bowl, refilled it at the kitchen sink, then walked through the garage to the side door, opened it and set the bowl in the doorway. Then I walked a short distance away. "This isn't going to work," I grumbled to myself. "He wouldn't even let you near him."
A few minutes went by and the dog ventured far enough out from behind the bushes to sniff the air and observe me with his impenetrable black eyes. I couldn't help it, it made me shiver. I backed up a step and thought, Maybe
this is not such a hot idea, Chris. Maybe you should just go back inside, lock the kitchen door and call the damn pound.



But before I could reject this idea as plain old school-girlish silly, I heard the phone ringing and went back inside to answer it. It was Jean Michaels, a friend from New York with whom I hadn't talked in a long time. As I chatted with her gaily for the next half an hour, I watched through the open kitchen door. The dog never came in.
-- -- --



I shut the garage door and locked it. It was quarter to two and although I'd looked for the Lab all around the house and inside the garage, he was nowhere to be found. He'd done whatever it is lost doggies do, I guess...
gotten lost even more.Disgusted with the way I felt, I took a shower, toweled
dry, and put on a bathrobe. I was drying my hair when I thought I heard a noise from the garage. Not barking, but like someone thudding against the closed kitchen door. Armed with the blow dryer, I went downstairs and tip-toed cautiously through the living room and out into the kitchen. I could here him whining just outside the door. "Well, shit," I said aloud, at the sound of which he began to whine even louder and started a scattershot scratching at the door with his claws."Hold on, hold on," I said, wondering how he'd gotten in. I know the garage had been empty when I'd gone in to take my shower... at least I thought it had. He must have been hiding. Yeah, I thought, he must have been hiding.Opening the kitchen door just a crack, I watched him back
away to the far side of the garage and drop to his haunches. The water bowl sat empty beside his left paw. I had forgotten about it left it just inside the door. "Weirdo dog," I said.



Stepping into the garage, I closed the kitchen door behind me and predictably he got up and moved cautiously away to his tight. "You don't trust anybody, do you boy? Or is it just me?" He sat down again and watched me with
those polished black eyes. And then he growled.If I had been nervous before, now I was scared. You never showed fear to a dog--that's what I'd always heard--and it was obvious to me why. They can smell it on you. I clutched the bathrobe closed at my throat and took a wary step backwards, and as soon as I did this he rose and stalked two paces forward, teeth bared."Nice doggy," I squeaked. "Grrrrrrrrrr," rumbled out of his throat, low, deep and menacing. He took another pace forward, dropping lower to the ground and showing all his teeth. If I made a run for the kitchen door I knew he'd be all over me before I got three feet. "What's going on boy?" I said in a small, quavering voice. "You gonna hurt me? I tried to help you, you know." I was standing with my back against the side of the garage before I knew I had been moving. He approached me from my right, herding me away from the kitchen door,
toward the corner in the rear. I was terrified now. I was beginning to panic.
"Nice doggy," I squeaked again. "Nice puppy dog, doggie." Only this dog was anything but a puppy. He was a demon in black fur.



Refusing to be cornered like the desperate animal I knew I was becoming, I angled away and moved toward the center of the floor. The dog didn't like it much, but he let me do it. I began to think--pray--that he'd let me go all the way to the outside door and go through it. Just as it appeared he'd actually let me go, in a terrifying blur of motion, he leaped at me through the air. I shrieked and put my arms up but the force of his lunge knocked me to the floor. I banged down on my back striking my head on the concrete and hot sparks erupted like a 4th of July fountain across my eyes. My vision doubled and became alarmingly blurred. When it cleared again--too late--I found he had straddled me, fangs bared just inches above my throat. I was going to die.
But the dog had other ideas."What do you want," I pleaded in a tiny, terrified voice. My bathrobe was open, leaving me fully exposed. His hot wet prick dragged back and forth across my uncovered stomach, making me shudder and want to scream. At first I didn't even know what it was. When I finally did, in that same tiny, terrified voice--terrified now for an entirely
different reason--I protested, "No way!" and tried to scuttle away. He took my throat in his teeth."Okay, okay," I breathed with my eyes clamped shut.
"Whatever you want." I relaxed myself with a titanic effort and spread my legs. Again, the dog had other ideas. He released my throat and growled."What?" I was honestly baffled. He growled again. He made circular motions with his
head... I swear, he actually did this... and I slowly got the message. "On my knees?" I quavered in disbelief.The dog, who was not a dog at all, but the aforementioned demon from hell, nodded his head.



"You want to mount me?" A breathless whisper. He nodded again. I rolled onto my stomach and started to get up. Before I could get all the way up onto my hands and knees he batted my on my rump with his snout."What?" I was beginning to think I was already dead. Or in some nightmare dream caused by the concussion to the back of my head. It really ached. He growled and shook his head sharply to the right. Away from my body. And suddenly Iunderstood. "This is not real," I whispered. "It can't be real. It can't be. It just isn't happening." He wanted me to disrobe.Rising erect from my knees, I slid the robe back over my shoulders and let it fall into my hands. I began to bring
it around when he snatched it roughly away from me and flung it across the floor. It landed near the garage door with the arms in an out-flung, helpless gesture. That's how I felt--totally helpless. I was naked with a dog.He batted me again with his snout."What?" I objected, beginning to loose my cool. The
crippling shock and disbelief had begun to wear off and I was becoming rebellious. Damned if I was being corralled by a dog.



Suddenly he was up on his rear haunches, one talon-clawed paw on either of my shoulders and the back of my neck clamped firmly between his teeth. His breath flowing around my neck was horrid. "Okay, okay," I acquiesced. "I get the point." Then, as the powerful muscles in his jaw began to clamp shut on my neck, "Please! Anything you want!" It was a short-lived rebellion. He dropped back to all fours and so did I. He sniffed me up and down my flank and licked my right cheek. I took it. He snuffled into my right ear and bit lightly at the
lobe and I took that too. All the while I smelled his graveyard breath. What the hell was he doing? For a moment neither of us moved. He stood there panting, beside my right shoulder, facing me, and suddenly I understood. This was some kind of dominance thing, what I had occasionally seen one dog--presumably the alpha male--do to another. He was doing it to me. I got it, I
thought. Loud and clear. You're the alpha. I'm the bitch.Satisfied (he read my thoughts in my body language, there's no other explanation) he grunted lightly one time, then went to stand behind me. I stared straight ahead panting. He had really hurt my neck. Good luck, Christine, I thought. A dog is about to fuck you.



He sniffed at my pussy (I hate the word with everything I am, but I just can't think of a better one to use), then snuffled it like he had done to my ear. I tried not to jump but the shock was just too great. I gave a little shriek and sidled forward. He growled. "Fuck you!" I said vehemently under my breath. "I don't
like it, okay!"He obviously did, because a moment later his tongue went
from halfway to my navel all the way up the crack of my ass to the small of my back. This time I really did shriek and I surged forward in alarm. I also looked back over my shoulder in horror as ever nerve ending in my body jangled. It was like getting scrubbed by a warm, wet length of Scotchbrite.I didn't move. I didn't breath. I felt sick at my stomach. I wanted to puke. He licked my pussy again and I made a disgusting noise, something a real bitch might make. Tears leaked from my eyes and splattered onto the concrete below, sucked up almost immediately by the dust and porous surface. It wouldn't stay that way for long, not if I started bawling. When I started bawling. He lapped at me for a full minute, then two, getting me slathered up and absolutely raw. I felt every little sandpaper bead on his tongue and because I routinely shave to keep myself clean--I had done so only that morning--there was not even my wispy blonde pubic hair to offer any protection. My clitoris, my swollen outer lips, the mouth of my vagina, my urethra and especially my poor little anus all got the treatment. And the way he went after me with that tongue, with such unbelievable vigor--he'd driven me six feet or more across the floor--you'd think I was a sugar-coated treat. To him, I guess I was.Then he mounted me and locked his powerful forepaws around my waist and I squealed in complete and utter terror. He shoved forward with his cock, not so much searching for my pussy as dive-bombing it. I wailed again and tried to crawl away across the floor but he lunged forward over me and grabbed my neck again with his teeth. He bit down hard and growled an angry, you stay the fuck put! snarl, breaking my skin with his teeth--not deep, just enough to get his point across--and I could feel blood seeping out of the wounds. "Okay," I brayed. "I'm yours! I'm whatever you want! I'll do anything you tell me to! Just please, please don't hu--"



I sucked in an agonized breath as something hot and sticky and the size of a baseball bat entered my pussy. Then I shrieked and then I caterwauled--quietly, as those teeth still dug into my neck--and shook my entire body
trying to get him out. Instead, he worked himself even deeper."No," I sobbed. "Please no! Let me go!" Instead, I crawled forward under him six more agonizing feet until my head hit the back wall of the garage and then skidded
along its surface. I cried hot, sulfurous tears, the tears burning my eyes, my nose, the back of my throat. The thing in my pussy was hot and sulfuric too, pounding in and out of me, gouging at my vagina, assaulting me, destroying my sanity one thrust at a time. It was more pain than I could ever have imagined.
"Nuhungunaaaah," something inside me cawed. I was no more able to make coherent noise than I was of having coherent thought. I was a woman with a demon on her back... and in her vagina.



Trapped against the garage wall, I began to turn in against it. Splinters from the exposed two by fours gouged me wherever I rubbed against them. (I'd later look like a comedy skit from Saturday Night Live or Mad TV or something. The Splinter Lady, I thought.) But as the splinters attacked the side of my right hand, my right forearm, then my elbow, my upper arm and shoulder and finally my right hip and my thigh, the Lab continued walking me forward with his thrusts. I scraped against the plywood sheathing of the exterior wall,
encountering a second two by four, then a third, and finally a forth.Then I was in the corner that I had avoided so many years before--right where my doggie master wanted me--he banged me head first into the two by fours in the corner there, driving me unmercifully forward until my head had only one place to go--down and against the floor. I knelt there, jammed hard against the studs, my cheek pressed brutally against the cold concrete floor while the dog
banged and banged and banged away me.



By now I was sobbing so hard my chest felt like an exploding bomb. My entire being ached. My vagina was beyond repair and still the dog fucked me. "Please God, please don't let him do this to me," I kept saying, over
and over again. The words came out as something no human ear could ever have understood, except maybe God's... and I don't think God was listening.
Twisted with my head locked against the corner studs, I found myself watching between my legs as the dog wailed away at me. His cock was as big around as my forearm--my father's forearm--pasty white with a cobweb pattern of
vicious red veins. It was a foot long at least. It probably was longer. But terrifying as it was, what was at the end of it was ever worse. Because there, twice the thickness of the shaft and an even angrier red and white color, was a horrendous round knot. "No," I moaned plaintively as the dog continued to rut me. "I can't. I can't. No, no, no, please."But the dog told me I could and that I would and very shortly I did. I watched as the knot grew nearer to me with every thrust. Then the thing hit me with a sucking, slurping sound that made me retch with revulsion, stuck in me for a moment before he yanked himself back... and the wave of pain hit me like a Pacific tidal wave. On the fifth try he finally made it in and I was thrashing around wildly with the pain and making horrific noise and beating at his flanks with my fists. Then something hot and wet came cascading down my thighs and splattering on the concrete floor beneath our coupled organs, my guts cramped so violently that I screamed...
and then I was gone.
-- -- --



The dog was laying in the far corner of the garage, cleaning himself and ignoring me completely. On the floor beneath my crotch, where I expected a huge mass of blood, I saw something possibly even worse: a grossly-puddled mass of foamy, already crusting over semi-white fluid... his cum. I had been thoroughly rutted.I found I had bled very little. How he could have driven
such a huge and misshapen thing such as that into me without puncturing something vital or causing me to hemorrhage I don't know. Feinting when he reached climax must have provided me just enough flexibility to spare my
life. I think I sat on that floor for the better part of an hour, staring at nothing. My pussy ached and my guts were roiling inside and I felt numb like a block of wood. Never in my life had the thought ever entered my mind that a dog might actually fuck me. I had imagined it of course (I believe all women have) but imaginings are supposed to stay in the realm of imagination. Not show up in your garage. "I want to go home," I said. The words sounded so good to me, so reassuring. My home was only 15 feet away. But again, the dog had other ideas.



The second time he came for me I just let him. I got on my hands and knees, docilely let him mount me, then put my chest and my face on the cold concrete floor and held myself open for him with my hands. I didn't fight him at all. When he came out of me somewhere about halfway through, and mounted me in a different way, I shifted my hands to my buttocks and spread them far apart. It hurt his being in my ass (getting past my poor little anus was really
tough) but not as bad as I had thought. It was my first anal experience and he spared me the ordeal of his knot. The third time I lay on my back with my legs drawn tight to my chest and let him rut me like that. I think it was a new experience for him and I'm not sure he even liked it. Are you trying to breed me? I asked silently of his inhuman, polished black eyes. Am I supposed to have puppies? If so, It would be quite a litter. And then I had an orgasm. I didn't want it to happen. I fought against it with everything I had, but it was involuntary and unstoppable. He was doing me with such savage determination that I think I had no choice. He suddenly slowed down and his muscles tensed and by this time the pain from his knot had almost gone away. He prepared to unload in me and when his first shot came, hot and gushing and spilling out my cunt all up my thighs and down over my asshole, I could not stop. I came and he came and the two of us came together, him squatted over me not moving, just emptying his testicles of their unbelievable load. I clutched myself behind my knees and prayed for it all to end. His gushing, and my orgasm. Eventually, they both did. Then he was finished with me.
-- -- --



What happened to the dog? I have no idea, and I don't ever want to find out.
After the requisite fifteen minute wait, his knot finally shriveled and he pulled himself free of me with a wet popping sound and his cum--that part which hadn't already sprayed out all over me--gushed out onto my thighs and down between my buttocks. Such an awful mess. Then he hobbled to the opposite corner where he cleaned himself and ignored me from then on. He had gotten what he wanted and that was that. I cautiously got to my hands and knees and, risking another go at it, eased my way toward the kitchen door. I quietly entered the house and closed the door securely behind me, never taking my eyes off of him. He heard the door close but he never looked up. Later, once I'd cleaned myself up and then cleaned up the mess in the garage. I had my 9mm Glock with me then and just dared him to move. I would have shot him on the spot except that I'd have to explain and I would never do
that. I never saw the mutt again.I now live in Atlanta, Georgia, just about as far removed from Seattle as I can get. I live in a nice little, two-story frame house with a nice little garden out back and a semi-detached carport on the side. I also have a female Doberman Pincher named Mary that I know will never try to fuck me. I only hope some other dog does, just so I can set her loose on him.


THE END
Note: If you want to reach me I can be easily had at:
KellieC82@aol.com


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Please keep this story, and all erotic stories out of
the hands of children. They should be outside playing
in the sunshine, not thinking about adult situations.
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atrape.jpg

Hey 29 male here north east us.. been having sex with my mom for a year now about 3 times so far.. looking for people out there that want to really be friends and have advice about "after effects" when it comes to that stuff... ***real friends only apply!!!!*** im 29, an only child and single... send me a message if you really want to chat and talk.. im very real and searching for advice from like minded people that are cool. i hope to hear from you..

wenchone im in scotland and east of scotland or that to far nourth? lol my reply button not working

seriously true story:it was open weekend, which if you dont know is when all the modern homes open their doors to the general public to get design and architecture ideas, i had gone to a house in east london, i was waiting in line when a little girl and her parents walked up
and stood in line behind me, she looked to be about 9, but i wasent wearin g my sun glasses and she was quite close so i couldent look at her for long, but i got a few glimpses, then when it got to our turn we went in the house, us and about 20 other people, us being me my dad and the little girl and her parents, (i think when i put her at 9 i did so cus 9 is cute, until my cousin madelaine who is 9 (was 8) i dident realy think older lolis were very cute) first we went down into the basement of this modern house, the basement was very bland but it was a room not a concrete bunker type thing, it had two chairs in it which rocked back, i sat in one and she sat in the other, the architect gave a speech about the house and then asked if anybody had any questions, she asked in a cute way why the house was called ?????? he answered aand then i asked how much it cost to build, then as everybody was going upstairs ofcourse me and her being the last that wanted to give up our seats, i asked her how old she was, ten she replied in a very cute way, it was sortof prolonge "teeiiin" the sortof een sound prolonged, we walked round the house and she comented on several things, the girl was quite inteligent and well spoken, she had brown hair, was wearing jeans and a pink top, she seemed to cling to her father in the line, having her arm around his, that kind of reliance and touchy feely "give me a hug" type thing i find very sweet, she had soft lips and was quite pretty, to compare her to an adult she looked quite similar to a girl i met at a law firm on work experience who was 22, not exacly sexy just very inteligent and rather good looking, after we finished veiwing that house we went to another one round the corner, it was more interesting to be onest, london isent the place to build houses thats one thing that was evident, but it was interesting seeying how they had played with the levels and made the rooms cosy somehow, after we saw that house we went back towards the way we had come and found a cafe, as we walked in i saw the little girl and her daddy *cough**cough* uhh, her mum and dad, i got a cookie and positioned myself facing their table but far enough away so i could get a glance without them noticing.
the cafe was quiet and i could hear them talking, the little girl was telling her parents about some giant rat they had found in the rainforests somewhere, now, remember when i said i like inteligent girls, well this also aplies to curious ones, and not just because they are willing to try new things, maybe its because its a rarety but id like a little girl to be curious about the world, i know i share this with skuv, wanting to teach little girls about science and stuff.
then after she had finished her drink she was tired and put her head on her dads shoulder while holding onto his arm, this soon turned into her lying across his lap and him putting his arms around herso she was siting on her chair with her upper body being held by him and putting her head on his chest, damn, why couldent that be me i thought, thats why i want kids, (although i m not sure incest would work; me being tempted me beiong rejected or her accepting and me not being a father figure anymore (see lolita the movie)etc)
then he mother started talking about leaving and asked if she needed the toilet and she said yes and her mother told her to be a bit quick, she went down the stairs, she apeared soon after, as she was walking towards her parents table, she pulled her jeans up a bit, she dident have much of an ass but for her figure it suited her, plus imperfections are sexy, then they got their things paid and left, she had school the next day i dident, i wasent going to school at that time, (was aplying for a new one).
after thinking about her for a while (which isent unusual, considering my brain is basicaly made up of bad ideas, little girls, stuff relating to little girls and, yeah thats about it, but many many many things relate to little girls, like the way society persecutes them, well pedophiles realy but also society veiws the girl as the victim so she is also a victim of societys ill informed view ooops going on a bit)
then i felt i needed a piss so i went downstairs and walked into the bathroom, the first thing i smelt was shit, little girl shit, she'd done a number 2, imagining her cute ass on the toilet pooing, a good hard shit, plopping into the toilet, i felt my dick getting hard,
it inflated at the thought i was smelling a smell that came from her anus, i tookl my dick out and lifted the toilet seat, another woft of air came out, unfortunatly there was no shit in it, but still imagining the sight on it, coming from her anus, and her wiping, i started rubing my penis thinking of her and what i would have done had i been there, told her to put her knees on the seat and hold the tank, while i watched the shit come out and drop down, let her anus open up and see the shit then stick my cock in and push the shit up her, let it stick to the head of my cock and then have her suck it off.

Life, the Universe & everything.

Quotes from Douglas Adams, one of the funniest guys that ever lived.

RIP 1952 - 2001.
So long, & thanks for all the books.

“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

"Arthur hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realised there was a contradiction there and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.”

“Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be.”

“For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.”

“God puts an apple tree in the middle of the Garden of Eden and says, do what you like guys, oh, but don't eat the apple. Surprise surprise, they eat it and he leaps out from behind a bush shouting "Gotcha." It wouldn't have made any difference if they hadn't eaten it... because if you're dealing with somebody who has the sort of mentality which likes leaving hats on the pavement with bricks under them you know perfectly well they won't give up. They'll get you in the end.”

“He shifted his weight from foot to foot, but it was equally uncomfortable on each.”

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”

“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.”

“I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.”

“If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favour of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working.”

“If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.”

“If somebody thinks they're a hedgehog, presumably you just give 'em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.”

"INFINITE: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some. Much bigger than that, in fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, real "wow, that's big" time. Infinity is so big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy. Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here.”

“Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?”

“It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.”

“It is a rare mind indeed that can render the hitherto non-existent blindingly obvious. The cry 'I could have thought of that' is a very popular and misleading one, for the fact is that they didn't, and a very significant and revealing fact it is too.”

“It is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it... anyone who is capable of getting themselves made p******** should on no account be allowed to do the job.”

“It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons.”

“Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.”

“Life is wasted on the living.”

“Many men of course became extremely rich, but this was perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of because no one was really poor, at least no one worth speaking of.”

“Many words and expressions which only a matter of decades ago were considered so distastefully explicit that, were they merely to be breathed in public, the perpetrator would be shunned, barred from polite society, and in extreme cases shot through the lungs, are now thought to be very healthy and proper, and their use in everyday speech and writing is evidence of a well-adjusted, relaxed and totally unfucked-up personality.”

"Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.”

“That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.”

“The difficulty with this conversation is that it's very different from most of the ones I've had of late. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees.”

“The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.”

“The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phase, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question How can we eat? the second by the question Why do we eat? and the third by the question Where shall we have lunch?”

“The impossible often has a kind of integrity which the merely improbable lacks.”

“The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”

“The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.”

“The mere thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind.”

“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.”

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”

“This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.”

“Time is bunk.”

“Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of light then, when you return, you may have aged mere seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound shock, particularly if you didn't know you had a twin brother or sister.”

“We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!”

“We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.”

“You live and learn. At any rate, you live.”

“A computer terminal is not some clunky old television with a typewriter in front of it. It is an interface where the mind and body can connect with the universe and move bits of it about.”

“It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase "As pretty as an airport" appear.”

“If on the other hand he went to pay his respects to The Door and it wasn't there...what then?

The answer, of course, was very simple. He had a whole board of circuits for dealing with exactly this problem, in fact this was the very heart of his function. He would continue to believe in it whatever the facts turned out to be, what else was the meaning of belief? The Door would still be there, even if the Door was not.”

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."

“Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ...”

“Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the Empire forged.”

“You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon

airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in

deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me

when I was young!

Why, what did she tell you?

I don't know, I didn't listen!”

“...was there a reason behind it? There would be no point in asking... he never appeared to have a reason for anything he did at all: he had turned unfathomably into an art form. He attacked everything in life with a mixture of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”

“Anything that happens, happens.

Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen.

Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again.

It doesn’t necessarily do it in chronological order, though.”

“Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.”

“Who is this God person anyway?”

“On the way back, they sang a number of tuneful and reflective songs on the subjects of peace, justice, morality, culture, sport, family life, and the obliteration of all other life forms.”

“Well I think we've sorted all that out now. If you'd like to know, I can tell you that in your Universe you move freely in three dimensions that you call space. You move in a straight line in a fourth, which you call time, and stay rooted to one place in a fifth, which is the first fundamental of probability. After that it gets a bit complicated, and there's all sorts of stuff going on in dimensions 13 to 22 that you really wouldn't want to know about. All you really need to know for the moment is that the Universe is a lot more complicated then you might think.”

"`...You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to call attention to them had you? I mean like actually telling anyone or anything.'

`But the plans were on display...'

`On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.'

`That's the display department.'

`With a torch.'

`Ah, well the lights had probably gone.'

`So had the stairs.'

`But look you found the notice didn't you?'

`Yes,' said Arthur, `yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying "Beware of The Leopard".'"

"`Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.'

`Very deep,' said Arthur, `you should send that in to the "Reader's Digest". They've got a page for people like you.'"

"`This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer, `I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'"

"Pages one and two [of Zaphod's p********ial speech] had been salvaged by a Damogran Frond Crested Eagle and had already become incorporated into an extraordinary new form of nest which the eagle had invented. It was constructed largely of papier mache and it was virtually impossible for a newly hatched baby eagle to break out of it. The Damogran Frond Crested Eagle had heard of the notion of survival of the species but wanted no truck with it."

“this is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" that I wasn't previously aware of.”

"`You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It's unpleasently like being drunk.'

`What's so unpleasent about being drunk?'

`You ask a glass of water.'"

"If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.'"

"There are of course many problems connected with life, of which some of the most popular are `Why are people born?' `Why do they die?' `Why do they spend so much of the intervening time wearing digital watches?'"

"The fronting for the eighty-yard long marble-topped bar had been made by stitching together nearly twenty thousand Antarean Mosaic Lizard skins, despite the fact that the twenty thousand lizards concerned had needed them to keep their insides in."

"`We've got to find out what people want from fire, how they relate to it, what sort of image it has for them.'

The crowd were tense. They were expecting something wonderful from Ford.

`Stick it up your nose,' he said.

`Which is precisely the sort of thing we need to know,' insisted the girl, `Do people want fire that can be fitted nasally?'"

“What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.”

"Ford grabbed him by the lapels of his dressing gown and spoke to him as slowly and distinctly and patiently as if he were somebody from a telephone company accounts department."

“Arthur's consciousness approached his body as from a great distance, and reluctantly. It had had some bad times in there. Slowly, nervously, it entered and settled down into its accustomed position.”

"His eyes seemed to be popping out of his head. He wasn't certain if this was because they were trying to see more clearly, or if they simply wanted to leave at this point."

"There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind."

"`You know they've reintroduced the death penalty for insurance company directors?'

`Really?' said Arthur. `No I didn't. For what offence?'

Trillian frowned. `What do you mean, offence?'

`I see.'"

"`She hit me on the head with the rock again.'

`I think I can confirm that that was my daughter.'

`Sweet kid.'

`You have to get to know her,' said Arthur.

`She eases up does she?'

`No,' said Arthur, `but you get a better sense of when to duck.'"

"The beak was a major piece of armoury. It was a beak that would frighten any animal on earth, even one that was already dead and in a tin."

"`Could we perhaps take a snake bite detector with us to Komodo?'

`Course you can, course you can. Take as many as you like. Won't do you a blind bit of good because they're only for Australian snakes.'

`So what do we do if we get bitten by something deadly, then?'

He blinked at me as if I was stupid.

`Well what do you think you do?' he said. `You die of course. That's what deadly means.'"

"Mark turned and asked a passenger behind us if these planes ever crashed. Oh yes, he was told, but not to worry - there hadn't been a serious crash now in months."

"Virtually everything we were told in Indonesia turned out not to be true, sometimes almost immediately. The only exception to this was when we were told that something would happen immediately, in which case it turned out not to be true over an extended period of time."

"Komodo dragons sleep headfirst in large burrows. It is a very, very, very bad idea to even think of pulling its tail."

“Plenty of people did not care for him much, but then there is a huge difference between disliking somebody -- maybe even disliking them a lot -- and actually shooting them, strangling them, dragging them through the fields and setting their house on fire. It was a difference which kept the vast majority of the population alive from day to day.”

“Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own laws.”

“The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place.”

“The big corporations are suddenly taking notice of the web, and their reactions have been slow. Even the computer industry failed to see the importance of the Internet, but that's not saying much. Let's face it, the computer industry failed to see that the century would end.”

“One of the problems of taking things apart and seeing how they work - supposing you're trying to find out how a cat works--you take that cat apart to see how it works, what you've got in your hands is a non-working cat. The cat wasn't a sort of clunky mechanism that was susceptible to our available tools of analysis.”

“For thousands more years the mighty ships tore across the empty wastes of space and finally dived screaming on to the first planet they came across - which happened to be the Earth - where due to a terrible miscalculation of scale the entire battle fleet was accidentally swallowed by a small dog.”

“The technology involved in making anything invisible is so infinitely complex that nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand million, nine hundred and ninety- nine million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety- nine times out of a billion it is much simpler and more effective just to take the thing away and do without it.”

“Since this Galaxy began, vast civilisations have risen and fallen, risen and fallen, risen and fallen so often that it's quite tempting to think that life in the Galaxy must be (a) something akin to seasick - space-sick, time sick, history sick or some such thing, and (b) stupid.”

“It wasn't his job to worry about that, though. It was his job to do his job, which was to do his job. If that led to a certain narrowness of vision and circularity of thought then it wasn't his job to worry about such things.”

“All you really need to know for the moment is that the universe is a lot more complicated than you might think, even if you start from a position of thinking it's pretty damn complicated in the first place.”

“Computer, if you don't open that exit hatch this moment I shall zap straight off to your major data banks and reprogram you with a very large axe.”

“I think all cats are wild cats. They just act tame if they think they'll get a saucer of milk out of it.”

“Look, would it save a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”

“Now, either you all give yourselves up now and let us beat you up a bit, though not very much of course because we are firmly opposed to needless violence, or we blow up this entire planet and possibly one or two we noticed on our way out here!”

“Rome wasn't burned in a day.”

“The great thing about being the only species that makes a distinction between right and wrong is that we can make up the rules for ourselves as we go along.”

“The most misleading assumptions are the ones you don't even know you're making.”

“There is probably buried in the Western psyche a deep taboo about eating anything you've been introduced to socially.”

“Totally mad. Utter nonsense. But we'll do it because it's brilliant nonsense.”

“We are not an endangered species ourselves yet, but this is not for lack of trying.”

“Don't you understand that we need to be childish in order to understand? Only a child sees things with perfect clarity, because it hasn't developed all those filters, which prevent us from seeing things that we don't expect to see.”

“If you really want to understand something, the best way is to try and explain it to someone else. That forces you to sort it out in your own mind. And the more slow and dim-witted your pupil, the more you have to break things down into more and more simple ideas. And that's really the essence of programming. By the time you've sorted out a complicated idea into little steps that even a stupid machine can deal with, you've certainly learned something about it yourself. The teacher usually learns more than the pupil does.”

"Time is the worst place, so to speak, to get lost in..."

"...he was at least twice as unbalanced now, and quite liable to fall off whatever it is that well-balanced people are supposed to be balancing on."

"In his dreams he was walking late at night along the East Side, beside the river which had become so extravagantly polluted that new life forms were now emerging from it spontaneously, demanding welfare and voting rights"

"Busy executives often didn’t have time for a full-time wife and family and would just rent them for weekends."

"It was impossible for Arthur to know this, but he just went ahead and knew it anyway."

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."

So two of my cousins came from Arkansas to a certain popular east coast city to hang out with their me and do it big. One boy 19, and my favorite cousin of all, a 16 (at the time) year old knockout. I'm black, my family's black. Her mom and dad, though light-skinned are black. Somehow though, through some magical force of god, she turned out as a white girl with black girl features. Green/hazel eyes, brunette hair, phat ass, nice body, perky c cups, great legs. Now I'd never had any feelings of lust toward her despite the fact I KNEW she looked good. However, the liquor has a way of bringing things out. Not 2 days into her visit I procured some booze and all 3 of us got to varying stages of inebreation. Me being a big guy, was fairly buzzed, my girl cousin, lets call her kayla, was drunk off her ass, and the guy? Blacked out.

Kayla and I had a deep conversation that night, while boycousin(lets call him Jay)was snoring loudly but soundly on the adjacent couch. In our youth, horny and hormone crazed, we always ended back on the same topic. Who she fucked, who I fucked, how she liked to be touched, what made me cum the hardest. In spite of my previous disinterest in incest, My dick was rock hard after 30 minutes of this and I was looking at my cousin for the first time as a woman.

I leaned back realll low like I was overly relaxed, making my raging hard on the tallest thing on my body. She stared at it, laughed, and asked if she could see it. In the words of Dave Chappell: GOT YA BITCH!

Seconds later, her tongue was flicking against the head of my cock as she played with my balls. She licked up and down the shaft, took it all in her mouth, squeezed the base of my cock, everything that I noticed, I told her I loved not 20 minutes previous; and when she sucked on the little junction where cock meets balls...well...Pina Colada anyone?

I returned the favor, sucking on what is to this day the sweetest pussy I've ever had. I kissed her clit, ran my tongue around her ass, nibbled on her inner thigh, you know, real romantic shit. My face looked like a glazed doughnut when I was finished.

Being in a state of less than sound reasoning, I slipped my newly rehardened dick straight into her pussy, no condom. Folks, I might as well have stuck my dick in an oven. It was hot enough to burn, and I just couldn't hold back. I threw her legs over my shoulder, and pounded my dick in at a slight downward angle. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head and her mouth opened in a comical, silent O. I slid out and rammed it back in, and all of a sudden, my thigh area was covered in juice.

I was far from done, and I gave her another 2 orgasms before I had to pull out. I covered her tits, which unfortunately, I never found out if she would have liked because her head lopped to the side and she fell asleep.

I wipped the cum off her and dressed her (it's such a sad thing to have to do. It's like watching a magician reset his tricks)and went to my room. The orgasm I had knocked me back to my senses and I was shitting myself. What was she gonna say in the morning?

Turns out nothing. To this day, we haven't talked about the incident. In fact, we're closer than ever. We talk about once every two weeks or so, we sleep in the same bed when she comes over, and she'll even tell me a bit about her..experiences..whenever she feels she's got a good one.

It's as if she doesn't know, but I'm sure she does. She blushes every time I walk into the room, she gets suspiciously quiet when I tell her about MY adventures over the phone, and if I ask her if she wants to get drunk, the look she gives me is unmistakably "don't tempt me"

I swear upon all that you or I hold dear that this story is 100% true or kiss my sherries.

Police up in the cold wet north east of England have received greetings from Raoul Moat, holidaying in a far away sub-tropical sunspot. Raoul's card read simply "Wishing you were here".

"Looks like he's gone away for a while", said DCI Bob Ainsworth. "Lucky bastard. It's alright though isn't it. Here am I, law abiding, wife and two kids, mortgage, three dogs - the furthest we ever get on holiday is Morecambe Bay. Whoever said crime doesn't pay".

"It's a disgrace, that's what it is", declared 76 year old pensioner Alice Nuttall. "This man has broken the law. He should be brought before magistrates and told to sweep the streets. I blame the government. They're too soft".

"He's taking the piss", said trainee mechanic Alex Hodge. Bet he gets off with a slap on the wrists. I suppose this is all courtesy of the money he got from the chip shop".

"The public must remain calm and stick together", announced Commissioner Vernon Appleyard from Central Control Northumberland Division.

"Everything's under control", declared Appleyard. "No need for panic. Just go about your lives as if nothing's happened. Take a holiday if you like. Head south. Sunderland's glorious at this time of year".

my ex girlfriend living in south east uk is looking for a new boyfriend.
she has joined quite a few dating sites like plenty of fish but so far no luck.
im looking for a guy who would like a long term relationship with her and in return would send me pics of her and would tell me everything you two get upto (also dont want her knowing it was me that introduced you two as we didnt end on good terms)
she isnt very kinky but hoping that meeting a guy from here would change that.
shes 37 with brown hair and size 16 she has a daughter that is 21 but she doesnt live at home
if anyone is interested message me kentbull2010

my ex girlfriend living in south east uk is looking for a new boyfriend.
she has joined quite a few dating sites like plenty of fish but so far no luck.
im looking for a guy who would like a long term relationship with her and in return would send me pics of her and would tell me everything you two get upto (also dont want her knowing it was me that introduced you two as we didnt end on good terms)
she is a sexy milf and normally rents out a room in her house and within 2 weeks will always fuck the guy who moves in.shes 37 with brown hair and size 16 she has a daughter that is 21 but she doesnt live at home
if anyone is interested message me kentbull2010

I think the real problem with this country is that were not violent enough. Seriously we've been turned into a jackass who likes to carry a big stick but won't use it.

1) Gang violence, the cops need to start killing more of them. Give the cops more accurate guns and better training. So when some gang members shoot at them, the cops can shoot to kill. If some gang kills a cop, then cops quietly removes the gang from the picture. If someone shoots at a cop, the cops should drop the fucker for good. This will save us tons of money, less court cases, and less assholes in jail.

2) The US/Mexico boarder. Ok you know what it isn't that hard to get legalized, so I have no sympathy for illegal immigrants, ans that's all of them not just the Mexicans. I say clear and flatten the area along the boarder for a good mile, so anything moving can be seen. Then shoot anything moving on sight. Also there are numerous tunnels dug under the border used to smuggle people and drugs. These would easily be found with modified radar. I say send a crew out to find them, when they do, drill a hole and drop in some explosives. Do this every couple months.

3) Bring back Black Ops. The military is now run by politicians, and that's a problem. We should have taken care of Saddam back in the first war. Send in a couple well train guys, and cause an accident in one of the nuclear sites. Same with N. Korea, when the crazy ass p******** of theirs visits the Nuke refinement facility, there is an accident. The evil dictator and his weapons factory are all gone. If we want to get rid of a Dictator, send a sniper to simply shoot him in the head. Then when his replacement gets out of line, shoot him in the head. and keep on shooting them in the head, until they learn the lesson or someone decent gets into power.

4) String up the pirates. Those fucking Somalian pirates. Take a que from the Russians, the pirates captured a Russian ship, so the Russians send a battle ship and took the ship back. Guess what not a single pirate made it back to shore alive. And I'm pretty sure no more Russian ships been messed with. If the bloody Pirates want to fuck with us, then lets play. Send out ships that look tempting, but have heavily armed soldiers. When the Pirates try to board, kill them all, and take their shit. Rinse and Repeat. This goes for any pirates really.

5) Get our dick out of everyone's business. Come on, you know part of the reason we're so far in debt, it's because the US military is pretty much the UN forces. Last I heard we foot the majority of the bill for any UN military action. I hate to say it, but let everyone else worry about their own problems. The US has all the major problems of a 3rd world country. People are starving in our country, and we are shipping food out, and the government is paying farmers not to grow food. Be buy our oil from the Middle East, from people who don't like us that much. While at the same time, we are selling our Oil to other countries. We have a huge stock pile of oil beneath us, enough to last beyond our grandchildrens lifetimes, yet we let it sit there. We can get oil with just about zero pollution, barring major accidents. Minimal impact on the land yet we don't. Foreign countries can drill for oil off our coast line closer then our own companies. Enormous new oil fields were found off the coasts of South America and Africa, possible a single field that stretches the ocean, and the US is the only country currently with the technology to drill for it. Oil seeps into the ocean normally, some reports actually claim it exceeds what was leaked from the Gulf of Mexico spill last year. If we drilled our own oil and stopped buying it from the Arab nations, hell we could even sell some our selves. Gas prices would drop drastically and the economy would improve. But it's not big oil that's the problem it's the government. The federal government taxes gas sales. The higher the cost of gas the more they get in taxes, so it's in their best interest to keep them high.

Ok I'm too tired to think or rant anymore. so begin your insults.

I confess that I need some actual help and advice here guys and girls. If you don't have real advice to offer please just stay away, trolls won't be fed here.

First about me. I am 26, male, living on the west coast, USA.
My entire life I've always been a bit of a "late bloomer" so to say. I didn't grow facial hair until I was almost 20, I didn't start liking girls until I was like 13. I have hardly DATED girls, my entire life. I have been on probably under a dozen dates. I have never been in a real relationship, nor have I really STRONGLY desired one. Sure, there have been some girls over the years I crushed hard on, but I was hardly ever whining or feeling like I really wanted a girlfriend. It had to be a certain type of girl that made me actually WANT a girlfriend, and it would make me want a relationship with that ONE girl specifically. Maybe I am shallow, I don't know, but only a very particular type of girl, is the type of girl I really really like and develop feelings for. Growing up I had 3 older sisters that basically tortured me when it came to girls. Anytime I had a crush, or asked a girl out they basically made me want to commit suicide lol.

So basically, lately I have been really wanting a relationship. I've been pretty depressed about it because I feel like I have let the BEST YEARS of my dating life go right down the toilet. And honestly... I don't find myself attracted to girls that are 26 like me. Mainly because 99% of them have been in dozens of relationships by then and are way more "advanced" than I am. If there IS a 26 year old girl out there that HASN'T been in a relationship, then there is probably something really wrong with her, or she is REALLY ugly (I know.. I'm shallow, but I just can't see myself dating a heavy, or ugly girl... it's so effed to say that but it's the honest truth).

I honestly find myself having more in common, and being more attracted to girls that are like 18ish, it just feels like they are on around the same maturity level that I am maybe? I don't know, but 26 year old women seem OLD to me, for the most part, and I don't feel like I am that old, even though I am the same age as them, lol...

Anyway... That's the backstory about me.

Now about her.

She lives in East Coast, Canada, so she is REALLY facking far away from me.
She added me to friends and started talking to me randomly on Facebook about 4 months ago. She found me because a video I made had kind of went semi-viral and she added me because of it. Anyway. Her profile said she was 20, so I said what the hell. After adding her she randomly inboxed me and we talked for a bit and she said she liked my video, etc. etc. That was basically it.

Well, from there, we kind of just talked on and off for the next few days over Facebook. Then she messaged me and said something like "Hey you have skype? My friend let me borrow her laptop so I can skype if you want"... and I was like HELL YEAH I GOT SKYPE.. lol. Anyway, we skyped that night. No nothing went down. We just hung out and laughed and talked. It was chill. I found some stuff out about her, the biggest thing being that she was 16 almost 17. Not 20. I was bummed, but I had already been talking to her for like a week and had the very least developed a nice friendship with her, and yeah. I had some feelings for her by then. We didn't talk much about our age difference during that first Skype session, but it got brought up more in the future which I will get into in a bit.

So, after getting off Skype with her, I was laying in bed just kind of thinking about the situation. I haven't had a relationship my entire life. I've been really wanting to meet the right girl for me. So this Random girl lands in front of my proverbial (facebook) face. She's really cool, we have a lot in common, and we have a lot of fun talking/flirting;p with eachother. The only REAL problem was she was 16. So I was thinking... and I decided to just kind of read up about Canada law... and it turns out, in Canada being 16 is kind of like being 18 in the USA. 16 is the age of consent in Canada. That made me instantly feel a little less gross about myself for having developed feelings for a 16 year old lol. So I figured what the hell. I'll just see where this goes and I won't end it right here and now. We talked on the phone daily and Skyped atleast 2 or 3 times a week. Realized my texts to her were international and racked up a $400 cellphone bill in just texts, in just the first 2 weeks LOL. Fixed that by getting a free texting app on my iphone :)

Well, fast forward 4 months, and so much has happened it's kind of insane really.

We didn't start dating or having a long distance relationship. We both developed feelings for eachother in the beginning. But we talked and basically decided there was no way her and I could date right now. Primary reasons: 2500 miles, and 10 years in age difference). She said if we're friends for a few years or something when the age difference isn't such a big deal, and the door opens in the future for us to date then she would be open to it, but not right now. I agreed and felt like it was the best decision at that time. I wasn't about to go tell my whole family I was dating a 16 year old.... even if it was legal. So, from that point forward, I was basically "friend zoned" and it was dreaded... but we still flirt from time to time and we talk a ton so I think some feelings are still there.. Plus I make jokes every now and then and be like "Dont you even think about putting me in the friend zone ;)" lol. Anyhow. Friend zone sucks. It hurts because I still have really strong feelings for her, and it seems like she's gotten over me so easily :-/ I mean she still talks to me and texts me, but she's like dated other guys and stuff over the last 4 months and I am just pretty sure that her heart doesn't ache for me, like my heart ache's for her :/. I haven't dated any girls over the 4 months. Nor have I even really LOOKED at girls... I feel like I have found the girl that I really want to be with, but I can't have her. At least not right now. And honestly. I would be willing to wait for this girl.

There was a time where our friendship was hanging by a thread. I actually thought I was never going to talk to her again at 1 point. She got really mad at me and felt like I betrayed her, here's the story. She was and still is getting bullied really bad at school (this girl is GORGEOUS I was shocked that she was getting bullied), plus 1 of the guys she dated for a week or so broke up with her. She was SEVERELY depressed at one point, and started cutting her arms and inner thighs. One night she was talking to me over Skype and she was crying and I could tell she was in a ton of emotional pain. And it literally was killing me because I couldn't physically hold her and tell her it would be okay. Anyway, she opened a pill bottle, poured about 7-10 pills into her hand popped em in her mouth and downed them. I was able to talk her into purging and throwing them up, but I was really scared because I knew she was in a really bad place at that moment, and I couldn't physically be there so I felt like I had to do something. She "went to bed" and told me she was turning her phone off... I was truly scared I wasn't going to ever talk to her again, I really felt like she might do something. So I texted her mom, and told her that her daughter was hurting herself and to please go and check on her right away. At the time, it felt like the only thing I could do, to guarantee she would survive that night. The next morning, it felt like the stupidest decision I ever made, but I knew that girl was hurting and was on the verge of doing something that was a big mistake. It nearly ruined our friendship. She didn't talk to me for about a week. It took a couple weeks for things to kind of return to normal between her and I. She says I sold her out to her mom, and betrayed her trust... Her mom has told me several times I made the right decision. Deep down I believe I quite possibly saved her life... and I think just recently she is beginning to believe and realize that too, because she has been extra nice to me, and she has started telling me things again. Things bugging her, and on her mind and stuff. Stuff that you would only tell someone you trust... so I think I am regaining her trust.

3.) She's had a couple failed relationships over the 4 months... and honestly, each time she starts talking to a new guy. It just kills me :(. Like I said above it just feels like she moved on from me so easily... and I... didn't. My feelings are as strong as ever for her. She's on my mind every minute of every day. I feel ashamed and stalkerish. I do the whole facebook watching thing and everything lol... and don't act like you don't do that shit too girls. :) But her most recent guy that shes into is really bothering me =(. See, she didn't want a long distance relationship with me. I understood. I would of been cool with a long distance relationship, but I agreed that the age difference would just be too hard to explain, in a couple years it's not as bad, but right now its basically a no no. Anyhow, this new guy apparently lives REALLY far away from her. She hasn't told me exactly where, but she said it's "too far :(". Oh, and he's a fire fighter so I know this guy is at the very least 18, but probably more like 20 or 21, and it kinda bugs me which is hilarious and hypocritical I know :P.

So basically it's bugging me a lot that she might start long distance dating this guy, after not dating me for distance/age issues :-/.

So... If you have gotten this far, You rock. Now, for the entire point of this thread lol. All of that was just the backdrop to my situation so you guys and girls can give me the proper advice on what I should do.

The past 4 months have been an emotional roller coaster for me. I have insanely strong feelings for this girl, and we have an amazing friendship.

The problem is, the emotions! I am losing my mind over this girl! Even though we talked and put closure on what our relationship was going to be for the time being, I still find myself constantly thinking about her, I can't bring myself to putting her into the "friend zone" and just shutting the door on my feelings for her...

How the hell do I maintain a friendship with this really awesome girl, and not let the feelings for her, and the emotions get to me so much? Is it even possible? Should I tell her I am still crazy about her, and maybe she has felt the same? I know that I have put on a pretty decent poker face the past 4 months and I don't think she has any idea just how much I obsess over her lol... Well she might have a slight idea because I'm always super interested and wondering about new guys she starts talking to or dating lol.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think... Part of me thinks I will never be okay just being her friend and I either need to be with her, or just stop all contact with her so I can get her out of my head and the feelings and emotions can go away finally.
The other part of me thinks that I should stick it out and stay in practically daily contact with her, skype as often as possible... Keep a good friendship and maybe some day in about a year in a half here when she graduates and turns 18... maybe something can happen then? God I honestly do not think I can take another year+ of the emotional torture though.

Lol, anyway. That is the longest freaking thing I've written since high school. Sorry for that, if you read it all, kudo's to you. If you can offer me and advice I would really appreciate it. Try and keep it respectful though. I don't feed trolls.